How healthy is my relationship?

Relationship

How healthy is my relationship?

Written by Ruth Oluronbi Sunday, 15 July 2012

alt Dear readers, due to this burning issue in today’s publication, Victoria Secrets will not be published. All disappointments are thereby regretted.

A lot of people have been in an unhealthy relationship at one time or the other in their lives. No one could ever judge them for being in it in the first place. As soon as they leave the relationship, friends give a sigh of relief. What is worrisome, however, is choosing to stay in an abusive relationship.

Abusive relationships are destructive. They wreck damage to the body, spirit and the soul of the abused person . The most saddening of it all is that the abuser really is a loser. He/she is usually a power maniac who, when confronted is just a little kid in an adult body.

Someone reading this may say I have a perfect relationship and everything is fine. It may seem healthy, but the question is, is it? An unhealthy relationship is one that revolves around one person.

That one person could be you or your partner. Note that you could be the one inflicting pains on the other person in your relationship, therefore, it is important to check yourself first before you cast the stone. As I was saying, one person in an abusive relationship cares or only focuses on him/herself while neglecting the other person’s needs.

An unhealthy relationship is selfish. It seeks only a personal gratification at the expense of the other. An unhealthy relationship employs verbal attacks on the other person. The other person in the relationship is often criticised and ignored. His/her opinions in that relationship don’t count.

Aside of verbal abuse, physical and sexual abuse have been known to be characteristics of an unhealthy relationship. The other person may withhold sex or forcefully have sex with his partner. The short of it is that there is lack of respect for the other person in an abusive relationship as against a healthy relationship where there is respect, acceptance of each other’s individuality, and constructive criticism.

Have you been kicked, hit, punched or injured in your relationship? Or you’ve just been promised a beaten if you ever did anything wrong? I guess we both know that you know you are in an unhealthy relationship.

Some people don’t go to the extreme of beating or hitting to inflict pains. But when you are being shredded everyday in your relationship, when you are being placed in a potentially harmful situation, when you are being locked out of the house you both share, if things are being thrown around whenever your partner gets angry, darling, staying put isn’t the way to find your worth.

I hope you will find the courage you deserve by taking a long walk away from that relationship. Because believe me, countless number of people, women ranking higher in the figure, have lost their lives to unhealthy relationships. While others have just run plain crazy.

If the other person in your life is controlling, if he forbids you from spending time with families and friend, if he keeps tabs on your movements with the aim of telling you where you are expected and un expected to be, and he/she goes out as he/she pleases, spends his/her time as he /she deems fit, then, an unhealthy relationship is what you have. All decisions don’t have to be made by one person in a relationship. Decisions are made by the two people involved in the relationship because let’s face it; the other person has a life too.

Therefore, if you are treated badly for making an attempt to contribute to the decision making process, darling, you do not have business being in that relationship. You do not have any reasons to be sorry for living. Life is made to be lived; therefore, you are not doing yourself any favour being in a constant state of fear and subjugation.

Neglect – financial, communal, physical, emotional, etc is a dangerous sign of unhealthy relationships. Communication is the backbone of every human endeavour, relationship inclusive. While one person may feel the other is not worth listening to, the other may feel a terrible dread to communicate for fear of being ridiculed or being physically abused. I have mentioned sexual abuse earlier but I will like to emphasise here that “sex and sexual acts are not forced, cruel, or manipulated for the benefit of one person in a healthy relationship.

Both partners understand each other’s sexual desires, respect each other’s decisions about sex, and agree or compromise on what is and is not acceptable. One person will never force the other person to perform any sex act against their will in a healthy relationship” in the words of Fiona Johnson in her Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship.

It is in only an unhealthy relationship that “one person may force the other to have intercourse, perform sex acts, or watch and participate in acts of pornography. One person may withhold sex, be extremely jealous and accuse the other person of cheating without cause, or may be violent sexually.”

“Neglect vary from prohibiting a person to see a doctor when needed, not supporting a person emotionally when needed, refusing to work or share financial responsibilities, neglecting a person or their children of food, shelter, or other needs, or using children for one’s personal gain”, Johnson wrote.

All these and many more are indicators to abusive/unhealthy relationship. What you are experiencing may vary, depending on who you are dealing with. The bottom line here is to acknowledge that you are in an unhealthy relationship (if you actually are) and seek help.

Do not cover or make excuses for your abuser anymore. You deserve more from life than constant sorrow and fear. You know how destructive fear is. You have experienced it firsthand. Therefore, walk away while you still can. It is understandable that it will be difficult to break away but trust me when I say given time, you will heal. Save your children emotional trauma of having to see you constantly bruised every day. Save them the agony of dreading to go home. Children are meant to be nurtured for growth. Being in an unhealthy environment will only stifle them. Forget what the world may say or their perception of you. They are not the ones suffering. They are not the ones who need the break. You are.

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