In affairs of the heart, there are only a few hard and fast rules. When I started contemplating on doing this piece, I sought some people’s views about dating a friend’s current flame or ex. The general opinion was that dating a friend’s current spouse or significant other is a definite No, but that it may not be totally out of place to get along with a friend’s former bloke. So, what about dating a friend’s ex? I, however, agree alongside established relationship experts that this does matter.

It is arguable that after all, what happened between the two former lovebirds is history and that we are all mature, independent adults so, it really shouldn't matter if you want to go out with someone who just happens to be your friend’s ex. The decision to date a friend’s former lover falls into the romance gray zone and unfortunately, there are no easy answers. For some of us purists, “thou shalt not date thy friend’s ex” is the 11th Commandment with no exceptions, while some feel completely indifferent.

One of those who believe dating a friend’s ex is not fair enough is Derena Millner. Her school of thought says that dating a friend's past partner is a bad idea because it can bring tension into the friendship and can possibly destroy it. To her, the friend, who was dating that person, first, would inevitably have an issue with it because now her best friend is dating someone she doesn’t like or may still like, but probably not her decision to end the relationship ab initio. So, it is sour grapes all around.

Dating a friend’s ex can be tricky.  Even though I believe it is somehow unfair to deny oneself love though friendship, too, is love, I concur with Millner who says that even if your friend says he or she is okay with the idea, problems are bound to occur. The moment he or she sees the ex with the friend, there's bound to be memories, jealousies and other unnecessary baggages.

Yinka, my psychologist friend, took a more moderate stance on this sensitive issue when I broached it with him. Left to him, while problems can occur, they do not have to, if all involved are on the same page. Yinka believes it is possible to maintain a healthy relationship with a friend while dating his or her ex only if they are really exes,

both are healing or have healed from the relationship and moved on and/or if there are not unresolved issues between them and if it is really clear that they don’t want to be together as well as nobody involved is trying to prove a point or hurt someone.

Now, did you hear my friend well? Are his aforementioned submissions realistic in our immediate environment? While not totally agreeing with Yinka, I can vividly recollect that a lady once had a girlfriend who wanted to date her ex-boyfriend. CecyI is my childhood friend who, today, is married to our late friend's then fiance even though I strongly kicked against it way back then.

I am equally aware that our young girls of nowadays, particularly university girls, do not see any wrongdoing in sharing bed mates while some even brazenly engage in threesome or orgies. To ladies in this category, allowing their friend to date an ex, whether male or female, is certainly no big deal hence, for them, it can work.

Let me say here that in certain circumstances, dating a friend's ex may be acceptable, but if you find yourself in this situation and decides to pursue your burgeoning romance, please, there is an established protocol to follow.

You must be upfront and honest with your friend about your intentions. Experts agreed that the worst thing you can do is to let your friend discover your romance with the ex through the grapevine. Now, this is not about getting his permission since everybody is grown and folks are going to do whatever they want to do, but it is about respect for everyone’s feelings. I

f, however, you bring it to your buddy and find that he or she is less than enthusiastic or worse still, gives you an ultimatum to choose between your  friendship with him and the romance, what happens? Again, this is a tough call as you have to make this one tough choice probably in a lifetime.

According to Cecyl my friend, she thought she was being completely honest and forthright about the whole thing by telling me that our late mutual friend's ex expressed some serious interest in her. My instant reaction then was to ask her if Nike, our late friend, would have consented to this relationship were she to be alive even if she and Yemi had parted ways. She ignored my observations and this affected our relationship.

I protested by not attending their wedding and she got very upset with me, but I cared less. I felt she “betrayed” our late friend but after some time, our other mutual friends waded in so, I let go to save my friendship with her.

There is no gainsaying the fact that many people, especially men, remain very possessive when it comes to their exes which can cause problems. A man thinks once he dates a lady, she is marked for him; QED. I consider this very ridiculous, that is why it's important to have closure in a relationship so you can move on in peace.

Some people may ask what the heck? What if a friend's ex only went out with him or her a few times, can't they still groove together? To people in this category, the choice of a friend’s ex may not be too hard but I tell you, no matter how long the affair lasted, if it was really a serious affair, then you would have to follow your heart and do what you may deem is right.

It is pertinent to state here that you should only consider starting a romance with a friend’s ex only if you believe the relationship has some serious potentials like Cecyl, my friend did. Even though I still believe she should not have dunnit with Yemi, yet, today, 16 years after and with two big boys, they are still together. If yours will be just a flash-in-the-pan, brief encounter, then I definitely would not advise that you venture into it.

Otherwise, you may lose on both sides since you are already placing your friendship at risk by starting at all. However, at the point you decide to go ahead with the romance, have it at the back of your mind that your relationship with your friend will change. You may not be able to or feel comfortable sharing private details of your love relationship with him or her anymore or soliciting relationship advice from him or her since you both have someone in common. Your friend may also not feel comfortable hanging out with you and his or her ex.