ShareD ipo and I were very good friends for quite a while before we ever went on a typical date. Most of the time we got together at work (his or mine), an eatery or we go straight to either his place or mine where we could talk one-on-one for hours.

Our first intense discussion happened at his apartment, not at a neutral or public place. If you really like someone, you will not mind to spend lots of one-on-one time together with him without any distraction. The two of you will talk about your lives, unearth each other’s interests, share your hopes and dreams, at some point bypassing small talks and diving into what is really important to both of you. While doing this, you guys will speak soulfully and listen to each other attentively. This way you can create an amazing connection in a matter of hours which would have taken weeks to accomplish if you are not very close to each other.

The above scenario aptly described my friendship with Dipo. We were just chatting one day and he said something like: “Bolanle, I want you to know that I really like you. I think you’re a very special woman and we obviously have a lot in common. I have come to dote so much on you and will love to develop a much closer relationship with you. I’m wondering if you feel the same.”

All these did not take longer than two minutes. Even though my response wasn’t directly positive, at the end of that phone call, we already felt something deeper than ever before for each other and from this time henceforth, we naturally kicked off a fantastic relationship and established higher trust than ever before. Worrying about safety or second-guessing, each other’s intention wasn’t in anyway a concern; our thoughts simply were not at that level. We simply fused into each other and invested our time in getting to know each other at a deeper level, declining to fill our interactions with public distractions.

Alternatively, I could have played all sorts of silly games to try to figure out how Dipo further felt about me or trying to play the usual hard-to-get game but the direct approach he deployed achieved a resolution in just about two minutes. What could be better?

It will interest you to know that this openness and directness quickly took our relationship to a whole new level. Dipo knew he could trust me and that I would not play games with him. We thus established a long-term connection based on honesty and openness.

To this day, Dipo and I know we can talk to each other about anything, we don’t have to manipulate or second-guess each other to get our needs met. We can simply say to each other how we are feeling and ask for what we want.

This is how I suggest you begin any new relationship as well. When you get to know a person a little and sense that something wonderful could develop if you are to mutually progress to a deeper, more intimate level of sharing,  please, don’t hesitate to share your thoughts and feelings openly with him or her and then ask if your partner feels the same.

This makes it safe for him or her to be open and honest with you as well. As a matter of fact, a friend, whom I once advised to toe this line in developing a long lasting relationship, recently told me of the incredibly positive response he got from his partner –I am not going to reveal who he is, so please don’t ask.

I may not be very private, but I feel obliged to respect the privacy of others unless they tell me they feel cool with sharing certain things publicly.

He confided in me that he has since found her to be a fascinating woman whom he is even excited to get to know better. He also confessed to me that if he had not been so open and direct with her, he might never have known that she had similar feelings towards him.

Also, healing relationships that have lost that loving feeling should be the goal every adult should work towards every day as there is plenty of work to be done in a relationship that is not proactively tended to have a way of slowly but surely sliding into a decline.

I have found that using openness to begin the healing process in a hurting relationship can be quite successful. Often times, couples do not even realise that a relationship is on the decline until one or the other has become quite unhappy and even be seeking a break-up or, in the case of marriage, a divorce. Some cannot even put their fingers on any event or cause of the decline. This can happen when little hurts and not really big ones just keep piling up.

Healing relationships that broke down in this way can be a challenge because neither person really knows what is wrong but just suddenly felt out of love.

What I suggest is that partners in this situation should sit down and discuss their relationship, open up to each other about their feelings and expectations and identify those ways in which the relationship is no more fulfilling their desires.

I appreciate the fact that not always are both parties interested in doing this; some people are always too willing to give up on a relationship that deserves saving. Healing a relationship like this can, therefore, be particularly frustrating for the other person who really is serious about reconciliation.

I had been in a relationship that was worth saving and which, of course, I so much wanted to save and thus waited for four years for my partner to allow us dialogue but he refused. I finally backed off after waiting in vain and of course with no feelings for another man. They were, indeed, four excruciating years.

(To be continued) Share