How would I forgive a deceitful husband?

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How would I forgive a deceitful husband?

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Dear Taiwo,
I am a regular reader of your column and the story published two weeks ago was of particular interest to me. I was also privileged to read some of the replies sent in by your readers. There was a particular one where the respondent stated that, "Adeola would be very surprised if she learnt about what other women are going through".

This particular response actually interested me and was the reason I decided to share my own story too. First, for this woman to know that she was not alone on this ship and not the only victim of a man’s deceit and to also seek your reader's counsel on what to do was commendable.

I am currently undergoing a similar situation. Many people even some of my friends and family are of the opinion that I overreacted and that I should have forgiven my husband and let life continue.

As far as I am concerned, I am not talking about another person; it is very easy to forgive, but I cannot forget easily. The moment I still have this issue on my mind, I cannot be favourably disposed toward my husband ( Dele).

I was not Dele’s first wife, neither was he my first husband. I had a failed marriage which produced a son. I was young but not naive. The experience I had was very unpleasant and I vowed never to have anything to do with any man again. Dele came like a sheep, but I never knew he was a wolf in a sheep's skin. We met at a friend's birthday party, I had lost contact with this friend of mine for years, she had been out of the country, another friend of ours got me an invitation to her birthday party.

When she was in the country, we were very close, I was the first to tie the nuptial knot amongst my friends; but unfortunately, it wasn’t a good experience.

My friend, (the celebrant) couldn’t wait to hear all that happened to me, so as soon as the flow of guests to the party reduced, she pulled me into a corner so we could gist.

Dele came to her party on the invitation of my friend's husband; he lost his wife some years before we met. We never knew that he was close by and he was listening to our conversation . According to him when he later approached me, he never intended to eavesdrop, but he couldn’t help hearing some of the things we were discussing. He asked me to give him a chance to be part of my life so that he could correct some of the ills my former husband did to me.

I refused and rejected his offer bluntly, but Dele would not leave me alone. He enlisted the help of my friend and her husband and they all pleaded with me to give Dele a chance. I agreed to give him a chance and when he told me all about his life, I felt he was sincere.

He told me about his late wife and their two childrend both boys. He also told me that after his wife's death, he met and dated a lady who gave birth to a son for him. He said he would have married her but for the fact that she was very troublesome.

In fact, according to him, they had already quarelled even before he met me, but he was still responsible for his son’s upkeep. I thought he was honest and I appreciated his supposed honesty.
I never knew he was fooling me and that he had a lot up his sleeve that he did not disclose. I introduced Dele to my mother and family members after I had dated him for a year. Everyone in my family could not help but love him because Dele was very nice and loving.

My mother who is my only surviving parent approved of him and gave her consent to the union.
It was when I became very close to him that I realised that he was a cheat, a liar and full of deceit. We had our traditional engagement and had a plan to go to the registry. I did not want an elaborate ceremony, but I discovered that after we had our traditional engagement, Dele did not want to go to the registry with me again. Everytime I raised the subject, he would have an excuse to postpone it.
At the initial stage, I did not see through his deceit and I always took his excuse on the face value. The first thing I learnt and which eventually led to our first quarrel was the fact that Dele communicates regularly with the lady who had a son for him.
So many times I have had cause to listen to him speak with her on phone. He was always pleading with her. Several times, I overheard her shouting unprintable things to him on phone.
At a time, I had to raise the issue with him. At least, he told me that this lady even had another relationship, so why did he have to take all the nonsense from her? Dele had no explanation. He said he had to be very careful with her because of his son. Several times, she had threatened to kill the boy.
Later, I noticed that whenever her call came in and we were together, Dele would excuse himself to speak with her.
One day, we were in the living room watching a movie, when Dele execused himself and went into the bedroom to speak with this woman. I was very annoyed, but I managed to keep my cool.
After some minutes, I went into the room to give him a piece of my mind, and as I made to enter the room I heard Dele asking this question: “Is your baby kicking?’’ I waited in the room until they concluded their conversation"Is she pregnant?" I asked him. "No, she is not the one carrying a baby, he replied, I was speaking with her younger sister who got married recently". Dele replied.
( To be continued next week)