This is not to run down any establishment but I can’t help asking; ‘When are our telecommunications companies going to get their acts together?’ Someone needs to tell them that the strength of any brand isn’t in billboards or getting into people’s faces through adverts and promos. It’s in customer experience. Honestly, I wish they would spend the humongous advertising budgets on enhancing the customer’s experience with the brand promise. The past three months have been a frustrating experience with the internet on the two networks I made the mistake of subscribing to. First, it was Starcomms who said they spoke my language. When my experience was going to make me lose my peace – and my language - I decided to subscribe to the one who encouraged me to rule my world. Talk about jumping from frying pan into fire.

When GLO hit us with the hype of its submarine cable, I thought the era of frustrating internet experiences was over in Nigeria. How mistaken can one be! They should have told us at the point of purchase that the internet service is location-specific. Telling me that after I had paid thousands of Naira on a modem and subscription is simply deception. My experience is that the service trips off at will in sometimes less than sixty-second intervals – the same thing I was experiencing with Starcomms. Now, I am so sceptical. I don’t know which to use next.

Brand “experts” encourage and actually goad gullible corporations into spending billions annually on image laundering with intimidating billboards, obscenely remunerated brand ambassadors and other gimmicks without any conscious effort at working hard to ensure effective delivery of the brand’s promise and covenant with the market. Have you tried calling GLO’s customer service in recent times? Angel Gabriel’s number is probably easier to reach! So, whatever your complaints are, unless you can find time to go to a friendship centre, you are stuck.

I once had THREE Etisalat numbers. One day, I made the mistake of subscribing to the Homezone along with a special number you can talk to for a reduced rate. Pronto! I was debited for the service and daily deductions were made from my balance. Meanwhile, they continued to charge my calls at the old rates, So I ended paying double. I called their customer service and the person who attended to me clinically took my details and promised to get back to me within 24 hours. That was early this year and the 24 hours are yet to come! I went to their friendship office in Ikeja and all I got were promises until I called a relation of mine who works in the network to investigate. He let me realise that their network in the area where I lived was not strong enough to reflect the changes I made. Unfortunately however, it was strong enough to continue to debit me for services not rendered! I promptly suspended the use of ALL my Etisalat lines till today.

I cannot comment on Airtel because I do not use the network as a result of its many reincarnations that remind you of an ‘ogbanje’.

And MTN? Don’t let me even start. Have you tried to call someone by your side holding a phone you can see is on, only to be told that it is currently not available? Typical.

On the lighter side. The story is told of a woman whose husband travelled. Later that day, their young son decided to call his Dad who had switched off his phone because he was at a meeting. After he had called a couple of times with the same result, he came to report to his mother:

“Mom, I can’t reach Dad. Each time I dial his number, a female voice answers it.”

Not wanting to put herself through undue heartache, his mother decided she would not even bother to call her husband but wait for his arrival to sort out the foolish philanderer once and for all. When he eventually arrived, there was no welcome kiss, no table set. All his questions went unanswered. War! Wondering what was going on, the man quietly went in, changed his clothes and came to the living room. She promptly confronted him:

“I deserve and demand an explanation”
“About what? Is everything ok?”
“I should be asking you. Who was the woman you gave your phone to? Business trip indeed. You think I’m stupid?”
“Which woman? My phone was with me throughout”
“Don’t lie to me. Junior called you several times and it was that fiendish woman that answered the phone”.
At this point, the man called out: “Junior!”
“Yes Dad”, came the prompt response.
When Jr. Showed up, his Mum asked:
“Didn’t you tell me that every time you called your Dad, it was a female voice that answered the phone?”
“Yes Mum”
“What did she say?”
She said,  “The person you are calling is not available at the moment”
Now sensing her own foolishness she lashed out at her son:
“But why didn’t you tell me that?”
“Mum, take it easy. You never asked!”

Remember, the sky is not your limit, God is!