Monday Lines

It was like the President read my mind last week. Some potent powers are actually manipulating the media against all good men. You know there are no women in the judiciary although we wear something “like a woman’s dressing gown”. We are all Lords, and it is funny that some mere men are now throwing shit our ways. Imagine, I read in the papers last week that some beings are extending their prying eyes into the judiciary, looking for dirty linen to spread for market women to mock. They claim the EFCC would soon clamp down on some judges as if we are that cheap game like grass cutters.

I keep wondering how they intend to do it. Will those boys just keep knocking on the door of my Lords and get them fettered like common criminals? For God’s sake, we are not common beings and that is why we are called Lords. We are masters of the law and cannot therefore be subjected to the whims of the very law we specialise in manipulating. Just start from our wigs-how do we look in them? Lions! And don’t mind old enemies like Thomas Jefferson who said we look, in our imperial attire “like mice peeping out of oakum”.

They will soon realise how miserable they are in planning and in thought. If you arrest a judge, what will you say his offence(s) are? Corruption? Or what? Who will try him? By the time these small minds get to their wit’s end, they will appreciate the fact that in these climes, you don’t kill a ram for deploying its horns to fend for itself.

I still don’t know how they will gather their evidence. Have they forgotten that corruption, graft, or bribery, under our laws are criminal offences? Do they not know that the standard of proof here is beyond all reasonable doubts? We wait for them to show their hands, and then they will learn the hard way that we are masters of the turf.

They are even talking about discovery of some fat accounts somewhere. They cannot be serious. We are no fools. If dim-witted politicians with no knowledge of the law could mask their endowments to the consternation of the very best operative in intelligence gathering, what gave purveyors of the latest news the impression that we are a clumsy lot that defecate and leave the odious trail for dogs to follow?

And since the news broke, I have listened to tales by idiots about how judges collect bribes. Some claim the bribes are paid off-shore as if we are crude oil merchants with some J.P. Morgan accounts somewhere in the West. Some claim we collect duplexes in Lekki and Ajah in Lagos or Maitama in Abuja. If we have worked hard enough to achieve this height, don’t we deserve to live well too and be proud owners of well-furnished buildings in choice areas? Even criminals (sorry, militants) who have had cause to bow before us, now breeze in and out of wonder houses in grand places. And you think we should close our eyes and minds while the good things of life fly by! We cannot, because we have paid our dues and we will not allow anyone to stop us with jejune accusations of graft.

I told you I hear stories so difficult to believe, on what our enemies say we do. Some say we ask for bribe and count the dough to the last one naira coin. Some say we collect from all parties and put our judgement in the fattest bag. Some say, at times, we collect and would even care if the case goes against the piper, disallowing him from calling the tune. Some say with rare magnimity that we return, at times, good money to our customers whenever we cannot deliver the goods. At least this shows that we can be very considerate knowing that losing a case, (especially political or chieftaincy) is not exactly like losing a friendly football match.We ensure the loser mourns only his emotions while his purse is saved the trauma of bereavement. So, if we are that considerate, where again is our sin? Where is the case against us? Can you ask a godfather who has denied you a return ticket, a refund of your bad investment? Why is every fool at the doorstep of the poor judge daring him to come out and trade words.

They said we are well paid and should therefore not look for extra coins elsewhere. How much are we paid? Haven’t they ever heard that six pence per month is worth lower in value than a penny a day? And we are human too with needs and feelings. The males amongst us have responsibilities to their wives and mistresses. Or do they want us to wait till ill-bred councilors invade our privacies and snatch our girlfriends before we design ways to Dubai and the Caribbean for holidays?

If what politicians do during election petition trials is what riles our enemies, then where is our fault? I have not seen any judge erect a sign board beckoning on politicians to come and buy judgments. But when they come with gifts should we turn them back? It is very unAfrican (and even an insult) to turn down an offering. If someone does that to you, won’t you feel offended too? But our enemies are bent on skinning us alive just for being nice.

We wait for those who want to eat poison- that is what they all are, elements who are determined to unmask the masquerade behind our wigs. If they ever come for us as speculated, I am sure they will eat their shit.