My wife is so troublesome, I am afraid of her

updated: Friday 25-07-2008

Every man's dream is to get married when it is time and settle down to a peaceful life to enjoy marital bliss. Our writer's dream is however not to be as his better half has turned out to be a trouble maker. As a result of her behaviour, they have no friends, also relatives avoid them. Now they have to move from place to place as a result of his wife's behaviour. He needs your advice. Read and help him. Thanks, Monica Taiwo.

Dear Taiwo,
Please help me out, as I don’t want to run mad. I have a problem with my marriage.I thought I could handle it but with the trend of things now, I have discovered that I cannot, moreso, now that it is really going beyond my immediate and extended family members. Outsiders are becoming involved.

My wife is my problem. She has become so problematic that I cannot control or curb her any longer. My wife fights anybody or anything in sight. She was not like this when we were courting and even at the early stage of our marriage, she wasn’t like this. She used to be very quiet and shy. I really cannot say what changed her. Suddenly Tonia ( my wife’s name) became quarrelsome, rude and saucy. The children and I are not left out of her lashing.

The very last time my mother came around, that was about a year ago when we had our last child, my wife was quarrelling with our neighbour and my mother scolded her. Instead of stopping the quarrel she faced my mother and dressed her down. My mother was obviously shocked and when I came back from the office she reported her. I asked her to apologise but she refused. My mother overlooked the issue as she said that it was very unusual because she used to know Tonia as a very peaceful person.

Before my mother left, another incident happened. I asked her to apologise, again, she refused. My mother left for the village and vowed never to come back. Tonia behaved as if she did not know the implication of that.

She also quarrelled with my only sister. My sister also stopped coming to our house. The kids and I are also not left out of her venom. In fact, one day, she almost killed all of us out of annoyance. We all went out for an outing, on our way back, we started discussing an issue. I always want to avoid arguments with her but the issue was a very sensitive one. She had a face-off with our pastor's wife and it was obvious that she was at fault. Instead of apologising she created a scene. I told her to apologise, initially, she agreed but later, she refused to apologise to her.

The day was Saturday and I reminded her of the fact that she should apologise the next day and forget about the whole issue. To encourage her, I promised to buy her a phone as she had always wanted to replace the one she had. Instead of agreeing to that, she picked up a quarrel and before I knew what was happening , she forcefully seized the steering wheel and made the car swerve off the road. Fortunately there were no vehicles close to us we would have had a fatal accident. I was very annoyed with her and I decided to keep to myself for a few days. Could you believe that my wife was not bothered about this? She equally ignored me, I was the one who made peace afterwards.

The issue that is really bothering me now is her quarrel with our neigbhour. We had to move from our former house because of her behaviour. Getting another place would have had a deep financial implication for me since I had almost completed our own place. I spoke with my younger brother about this and he said I could take a flat from his own house. A tenant just vacated the apartment and my brother who lives in Germany has a four flat apartment in town. He reserved one for himself and his family which they use whenever they travel down to Nigeria.

As soon as we moved in, she picked on the woman who lived directly under our flat. The vacant flat is upstairs. I warned her and told her to leave the poor woman alone. She was always looking for every flimsy excuse and reason to quarrel with her.

She complained about every single thing the woman did and as a result of this, the relationship between us became strained. A day before our child's birthday, she had a quarrel with this woman that led to a physical brawl and Tonia went as far as going into the woman's house to destroy their furniture and kitchen untensils.

I went out to buy drinks and some of the things we would use when one of our neigbhours called my line to inform me about what was happening. I rushed home and cautioned my wife but she would not listen. I was thoroughly embarrassed and humiliated and that night, I left the house for her as I could not trust my action. I would have beaten her blue and black. Honestly, I was very shocked that the woman she fought with did not arrest and detain her. If anybody did what she did to that woman to me, I would have done exactly that.

The following morning, my brother who was in Germany called me and pleaded with me to go back home, not because of her but because it was my son's birthday. The woman’s husband was not living in town, he was working in Abuja. When he came to town, I pleaded with him to allow me replace some of the things my wife damaged but the man refused. I also learnt from outsiders who came to settle the quarrel that my wife said a lot of negative things to that family.

I reported her to her elder sister who happened to be her only relative who was staying in town. Her elder sister also came to see the havoc she caused in this people’s home, she also scolded her, but whenever she is in this mood, no one can talk to her.

Three weeks after the quarrel, our neigbhour lost their first child, a seven- year old boy. People, including the boy's parents, pointed accusing fingers at my wife. Some people said my wife said it and she had done it. It took the grace of God and a lot of pleading before the boy's mother could leave my wife as she said Tonia should kill her also.

As if that was not enough, the boy's father lost his job, exactly two weeks after his son’s death. This raised another dust and I became very worried as this family accused my wife, because all the negative things she said the day she quarrelled with her came to pass.

Just three days ago my neighbour's car caught fire. Believe me, we had to move out of the house to stay with another family-Tonia’s sister, to be precise. This woman’s mother came from their village and vowed to avenge all the calamities my wife had brought on her daughter’s family. She came upstairs to our own apartment and engaged my wife in a serious fight,that she(my wife), should kill or she would kill her. She vowed to take an eye for an eye revenge.

People living in our neighbourhood also are not helping matters as they are also pointing accusing fingers at my wife. When Tonia’s sister went to see the family, she was almost lynched. This woman’s family members have vowed to kill my wife.

I have asked her to confess if she’s truly responsible for these calamities she says she isn't. Tonia has refused to eat or drink since the day the car got burnt. All she does is cry. How do I handle this? As if this is not enough, I have called my mother and siblings but they have refused to come. What do I do?
-Fola, Lagos

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