Help! My husband is afraid of sex

Dear Readers,
Our writer wants her marriage to be a happy and blissful one, but one of the elements of a blissful marriage is absent in her home. She cannot confide in anyone because of a past experience, she needs your counsel. Please read and advise her.
Thanks, Monica Taiwo.

Dear Taiwo,
Please help me, I don’t know what to do and I don’t have the confidence to tell anybody, this is because of my religion and my faith. I don’t want my family and friends to see me as promiscuous. Despite my faith and what I am made to believe and profess, I still remain a human being.

I am an only child and I was born into a strictly religious family. Unfortunately for me at the age of 13, a trusted uncle of mine raped me. I was very innocent and my mother brought me up to say the truth, and tell her things exactly the way they are. We were very close and I also trusted her. I was however shattered and disappointed when my parents did not believe me. They believed my uncle's word against mine. They ignored my pains and shame, in favour of my uncle’s lies. My parents became strangers to me. I was very lonely and I confided in a friend in school, Morenike.

Morenike, was an only child like me and we both loved each other. She was like the sister I never had. She used to come over to my house for the weekend, and I also visited her home. Our parents also became friends as a result of our relationship but I was shocked at her reaction too. She told everyone who cared to listen what happened to me. I became an object of ridicule and gossip I was called all kinds of name in the school. As if that was not enough, I really didn’t know what she told her parents, but they told her not to play with me again. I have never felt alone like that before in my life, but one way or the other, I managed to weather the storm of that moment. I took solace in my studies and I passed my WAEC and JAMB in flying colours.

I gained admission into the University of Ibadan and kept my secret. However, I was unable to put the experience behind me. It took Kunle the only guy I dated in school a great deal to get me to agree to go out with him. He was a year my senior, we were in the same department and faculty. I started dating him when I was in 300 level. When I knew I could trust him, I told him about my past and he was very sympathetic and understanding. He promised to make me forget my pains and stand by me forever.

Maybe because he knew about my past, he did not ask to have sex with me until he was leaving for his National Youth Service.

By this time, he had become a friend of the family. My parents knew him and I was also accepted by his family. I should also let you know that my parents eventually discovered the truth about the rape incident but that was years after. Although they tried to make amends, of course, it was no longer necessary. I had put it behind me and I tried to move on with life. Kunle finished his youth service and got a good job with an airline immediately. I went for my youth service. When I finished I was also able to get a good job, with an oil company. After some years, we thought it was time for us to get married, but I never knew that fate had a rude shock in store for me. Armed robbers killed Kunle exactly two months to our wedding day.

It was the grace of God that kept me going after that. Kunle’s death shattered my life and if I have to be sincere, my life had never been the same since then. During this trying period, a colleague of mine took me to her church, I won’t want to mention the name of the church, but a very religious sect. I don’t know if I can call our church a Pentecostal church, but we treat the bible and we are strong believers. I became a member, my parents became bothered about my looks with no ear-rings, jewelery and my style of dressing, but I tell you, I was not bothered my only concern was the fact that I derived satisfaction from serving God, I believed other things would follow.

Four years after Kunle’s death, my parents began to talk to me about getting myself another man. I was not interested. It got to a stage that even Kunle's parents spoke with me about the issue. My parents were concerned about my age, more so that I am an only child, but I told them to give me time and allow me to find a man of my choice.

Six years after Kunle’s death, I met Dele at an evening service in our church. After the service, he was introduced to some of us, he was new in town, and we were asked to give him a helping hand and any assistance he required. I wasn’t really enthusiastic about this because, I was sure I wouldn’t have the time because of my work load.

Not to dwell too much on irrelevancies, one thing led to the other, Dele and I got married. We went through all we had to do in church; I was 32 and Dele 43 years. He had never been married before, and during our courtship, although short, we learnt a lot about each other, I learnt that he had never made love to a woman, and I also told him all that happened to me. We prayed together and asked God for a blissful marriage.
Taiwo, my dream of a blissful marriage is being threatened by Dele’s attitude. We have been married for almost a year now, yet my husband has not touched me. I am becoming concerned. My parents and his are becoming worried. People are expecting to see me with a growing tummy, but I wonder where it would come from when my husband wouldn’t touch me. Initially, I thought he was shy, I tried all I could to encourage him. It is not that he cannot have an erection or sustain it, he can, but the act of lovemaking is what he cannot do.

I have tried all I could, sometimes I walk about naked in his presence to see if he would be interested or if it would move him. Watching me naked has actually aroused him several times, but he just can’t make love to me. I have encouraged him to touch me and play with my body several times, but that is where it ends. Once or twice, he has accused me of behaving like an unbeliever. I can’t tell anybody what I am going through. We have been married for over 10 months; his style now is to go to bed before I am ready and several times, I know he pretends to be sleeping by the time I enter the bedroom.

I have even advised him to visit a doctor, I can never forget his reaction the day I told him this. I don’t know what to do. I can’t share this with anyone, as I haven’t forgotten what happened when I told a friend my experience when I was 13 years old.

I am a Christian, I don’t want to engage in fornication or extra-marital affairs. I have a handsome man as my husband, what can I do? Please help me.

D.O. ,Abuja

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