What mama forgot to say!

A friend delivered her first child- a bouncing baby boy about a week ago, and all of us her friends were with her to share her joy. I am sure some of you will wonder what is so special about someone having a baby. Well, she is a special case and we all have every reason to rejoice with her.

Anyway, her story is a gist for another day, but as we were talking and gisting she said she wanted to say something, we were all ears. She said she wondered why her mother, despite the fact that both of them were very close did not tell her how painful childbirth could be.

She said during the months she was pregnant and whenever her mum called to check on her, all she would say was “egbe ‘lo maa ba” (you will meet your baby by your side). In essence, she described the labour room experience as very easy.

Although she confessed that she did not expect labour to be a child’s play, it turned out to be tougher that what she expected. As soon as she finished speaking, a friend’s husband answered and said that mothers are not expected to tell their children everything while growing up. Because if they did, there won’t be any challenge for children/grown ups to face. And a life without one or two challenges would be boring. His remark however did not end the conversation. One thing led to another and people started sharing their experiences on what their mothers did not tell them when they were growing up which they grew up to learn the hard way.

Trust a journalist, I quickly made up my mind to share these with my readers and tagged their various experiences: What mama forgot to say. Here are their experiences. But hold on a minute, these names are not their real names. I had their names changed. One, to protect my source and most importantly, to protect my friends. Adenike: I had a very beautiful childhood and if it is possible I wouldn’t mind having my childhood and parents all over again. I grew up in a household where love reigns. My parents loved each other and we were always very happy. Don’t get me wrong; I am not trying to paint a picture of a no-quarrel situation. They quarrelled and disagreed on issues. But you will never hear them raise their voices or argue heatedly. The only thing you get to notice is that they won’t chat or talk to each other over dinner. Dinner was the most important meal in our household. This is because over dinner and after, we sat and talked. But when Mama and Papa had a misunderstanding the conversation won’t flow. My brothers (two of them) and I would look at one another and then we know it’s time we left for them to make up. I tell you, before they left the dinning table they would have settled.

Mama taught us all to love others like we would love ourselves, she did not believe in you looking down on someone. To her every one is equal before God so she taught us to love and she showed this by example. What she however forgot to teach then was betrayal. She did not tell me that those you love could betray you. I have learnt a few lessons of betrayal and to be honest I won’t say they are the best experiences, but thank God, today I am stronger and I understand some things better. Both of them, of blessed memories now, I say if there is anything like coming back to this world, I wouldn’t mind them being my parents all over again. They were wonderful parents.

Cynthia: We lost our father while we were very young. I, the eldest was seven years. I have three other siblings, one girl and two boys. My youngest brother was about 10 months when our father died. Then the memories were vague, I could remember mum quarreling with my uncle then and the fact that later on everything we had disappeared- our television and music set, chairs and some other things. When I asked my mum, she told me that my uncles came and took them away.

When we were old enough to understand some basic facts about life, mother told us that we should be good kids and make her proud. She taught us the fear of God and counselled that we should always let God be first in our lives. She always re-affirmed her determination to give us all we wanted and she made sure we lacked nothing. She taught me the importance of hard work and I realised that through hard work and dedication, she single handedly, without any relative, brought us up. I thank God because she did a good job.

What she however did not tell us then was the fact that life could be very lonely. She did not re-marry. Either by commission or omission, I found myself wearing her shoes. I lost my husband four years ago. I have three children and I made up my mind to do everything possible to give them a good life, if it means denying myself some luxuries just like my mum did, but I tell you, this road is very lonely, full of uncertainties, anxieties and so on. I guess my mum would have felt the same way but she never complained. I now understand those far away looks she sometimes wore. I used to observe them and how she used to put up a brave face just for us. May her soul rest in peace.

Adaobi: She never emphasized the role of self esteem as an ingredient to personality building. My mama is a hard worker, busy and strong, while I was growing up, she was more interested in helping and supporting my dad to provide for me and my siblings. She encouraged and supported me in my school work but she never told me never to allow people take me for granted, I guess she forgot. Now as a mother and an adult, I constantly remind my children about the essence of self-esteem and confidence. I often let them know that no one can make them feel inferior except they allow it. In essence, encouragement, positive remarks and personality boosting are important to personality development.

Fatimah: I didn’t grow up with my mother. I lived with my stepmother. And I guess you understand what it’s like living with one’s step mum in this part of the world. It was like living in hell. My stepmother made my childhood miserable. Although I did not learn anything from my mother, I learnt early in life that it is not good for parents to leave their children with other people. As a mother, whatever situation we are going through, our children must be of paramount importance to us. Except in the situation of death. I made up my mind that nothing can separate me and my children so as to avert bitterness. To tell you the truth, I am very bitter with my mother and up till now, we don’t share a cordial relationship.

Anonymous: My mother had a large heart and our home was open to everyone. Every child is hers’ and there is never too little in the house to offer a guest. She was a disciplinarian and won’t hesitate to scold you if you are naughty, regardless of whose child you are. But what she failed to teach us was the fact that despite an open and large heart, you can’t be loved by everyone and the fact that not everybody should be trusted. I tried to follow in her footsteps when I took in my auntie’s stepdaughter. Being a brilliant girl who had the zeal to make something out of life and not live the type of life lived by her mother, she confided in me that she would love to go to school and I made up my mind to help her since I could do so without any problem.

She decided to move in with me and I helped her to secure admission into a polytechnic for a course on part time. I equally got her a job so that she could be saving some money. You won’t believe that about seven weeks after she moved into my home, I caught her in bed with my husband. The most painful part was that if I wasn’t diplomatic, I would have lost my home to her. So much for trying to do good. I learnt my lesson anyway. We all have a story to tell. Is there anything your mama did not tell you that you learnt the hard way?

If you don’t mind, write in and share with other readers. Send your contributions to monicataiwo@yahoo.com by Wednesday 30th of January. Thanks