Why can’t she be like the bottle?

By Yemi Davies - updated: Friday 13-06-2008

The aim here is not to encourage anybody to become a boozer. But you would agree with me that where you can easily find a Men’s Roundtable is when men gather at the bar. So, our discussion today is “bar-informed”. However, those of us who are “non-initiates” can also be part of it.

Members of “St. Bottles’ Cathedral” do have choices. In Nigeria here, for instance, some are “brown-bottlers”, some are “green-bottlers”, while others are “Udemeans,” etc. You will come to understand the importance of this later in this chat.

It is common knowledge, however, that discussions mainly centre around women when men gather at the bar, except for occasional discussions on political issues and in recent times, football matters. Gists about women are, however, the most interesting. Here, each is giving his own perspective on the matter at hand and citing examples to buttress his point. Men just can’t get women off their minds. This, perhaps, informs the popular opinion held by men that women are necessary evils.

I do not mean to be insultive (apologies to women who may also be reading) but the paradox of the woman being both good and bad at the same time is a generally-held belief by men. This is, in fact, where women issues often “bring head to the ground” when men discuss them. And, this is where the woman is in contrast with the “bottle”.

I may have touched another nerve again by comparing her with the “bottle” (though I will not be quick to offer apologies here) but, really, beyond ... pleasure (children may be reading), which only a woman can provide, the “bottle” can as well do many other things that a woman does for a man, even better. And Ma, if you think this is absurd, then think of why he often stays late at the bar enjoying his romance with the “bottle” instead of coming home to lay in your bosom. Of a truth, many women are losing their partners – husbands, boyfriends – to the “bottle”.

Many men find respite in the “bottle” and one can’t but ask why?. I have been in circles where men have wondered out loud why their spouses or girlfriends cannot be like their “bottles”. You then wonder, what does the “bottle” have that the woman does not have? What does the “bottle” do that the woman does not? What is that special thing with the “bottle”? What is it that makes him run to the “bottle” when he is having troubles with her?

The problem with the woman, they say, is, she just does not know when to keep quiet. This is what she does that the bottle does not: She nags, she complains too much. Men find solace in the “bottle” because it makes a peaceful company. The “bottle” does what it is supposed to do anytime you are with it without complaining about this or that. It provides you with the satisfaction you desire without any stress. When you arrive late for the date you have with it – when you don’t get to the bar early enough – it does not complain when you eventually arrive but would still peacefully keep your company and let you relax while you enjoy it.

When for one reason or another, you have to be “unfaithful” to it, say a “green-bottler” becoming a “brown-bottler” for a while, it does not complain when you come back to it. It joyfully welcomes you back and allows you to continue to enjoy it. When you choose to be “naughty” and have plenty of it, it still does not complain, you can have as many of it as you desire. When for lack of funds you stay away from it for a while, it also does not complain, it accepts your excuse and carries on as if nothing went amiss. She, however, is exactly the opposite of all these.

This may appear weird but it does explain a lot. When you are with her, you have to mind your language lest you say something that could piss her off. You choose to give her a surprise, and what you get is the shock of your life when she tells you she does not fancy surprises. When you greet her friend well, she starts to suspect you and when you do so moderately, she says she does not like the way you treat her friends. If you give any friend or relation of yours cash or gifts in her presence, you don enter am, she says you are not prudent. But when her own people come and you decide to heed her advice on being prudent, her complaint this time around will be that you are stingy.

Choose to be playful and she starts complaining that you too like to dey “do”. Choose to let her be for some time and her grouse with you this time is that you are insensitive to her feelings; you are not romantic. The list is inexhaustive. I feel for men. But Micheal Bolton has said (or is it sung) it: “...she can bring him such misery.”

Nagging appears to be the secondary nature to women, the other being spending money. Or how else can one explain it? They just can’t stop complaining. You need peace and quietness but she would not give you. A nagging woman can be a trauma. And if not for the “bottle”, many knots would have fallen off their place in our heads.

So you see why he often stays out till late; why she is losing him to the “bottle”. When we need peace and quietness and they are not giving it, we can as well look elsewhere. She talks too much; she complains about everything, she just would not keep quiet. Why can’t she just be like the “bottle”? (You may wish to tell her if you know her.) To my brother out there, I dey feel for you, e no easy. But hey! drink responsibly.