‘I Am Not An Angel; I Get Angry, But...’

By Yemisi Aofolaju & Toluwani Olamitoke

Dr. (Mrs.) Olubanke Akintunde There is a fine line between persuading someone and trying to manipulate the way they think. And one of the best ways to keep a relationship going is to focus on the positive aspects of persuasion and discussion, rather than on ways to trick someone into agreeing with you.

Dr. (Mrs) Olubanke Akintunde, a senior lecturer with the University of Ibadan, speaking with Saturday Tribune, explained that “there are ways of approaching issues pertaining to one and his or her spouse and children without appearing forceful or wanting to have one’s way.”

According to her, ”The best approach at times like this is to be plain or open. Be fair and honest to yourself and the partner involved, while also applying wisdom in discussing issues. “It certainly can't be stressed enough that being honest about what you want is the best way to start influencing your relationship, because it creates a no-games way of looking at problems and conflicts.

“Instead of your partner wondering what you mean, they will know exactly what you need. “it then might make much sense to ask: do you already know what you want? Many times, manipulation is easier for those that don't really know what they want to achieve from a discussion. In order to avoid this, you will want to make sure that you have a clear idea of what you want to share with your partner or family and what you want to achieve as a result.”

Giving a vivid example, the lecturer disclosed: “There was a time an issue came up in my family. This had to do with one of our cars – which was actually old. “My husband and two of our children, both males, had kept discussing and coming up with ideas of how to dispose of the said car. I didn’t join in the conversation but I was listening to them, weighing in my mind the options they had presented. They actually made up their mind on one at the end of the day, which was to sell the car and keep the money for a while till another money my husband was awaiting would materialise.

”But you see, the role of running the home sucessfully hangs on the neck of the woman. I had ruminated in my mind and came up with a picture of how the non-availability of the car would affect the normal everyday activties. I knew their decision wouldn’t work. I knew and was sure of what I wanted but I kept mute, thinking of how to approach or table my idea before them. ”

While it is largely believed that decisions at situations like this shouldn’t be just about us, one needs also to be sure he or she is in the know of what the partner or family wants in such cases as well. Confirming this, Dr. Akintunde stressed, “It was glaring my boys were thrilled with the idea of the family buying a a new car, while my husband was obviously in need of it; but then, their decision wasn’t just the best as at that time.”

Mrs Akintunde, while admitting that people would not always be able to change the minds of their loved ones, also admonished that “it shouldn’t be one’s goal that one would always be able to persuade them to look at a situation or problem in one’s way. “They might have other ideas that they want to share and other perspectives that one might not understand. And from their own way of thinking, they might never change their way of looking at things.”

“Ideally, in a bid to want to correct a problem, change a decision or smoothen a situation in a relationship, it is wise to want to get the facts straight so as to present one’s case accurately. Rather than using facts that would help one’s persuasion, it would be wise for one to make use of the real facts.

“There is no point trying to manipulate one’s way at times like this,” she stressed. ”What i do when situtions like this crop up is to highlight the facts. Like the issue of the car, I pointed out what we did with the car everyday and made him have a picture of what difficulty the family would likely face by doing away with it – and with no substitute at hand.

“He then started seeing things my own way. I then gave my candid advice. I opined that rather than selling the car, we should repair and keep it till we could afford a new one. “The fact still remains that this isn't all about one. There is the need to hear what one’s partner or family thinks and feels as well to start moving toward some sort of compromise. I asked him what he thought about what I had said, and whether there was anything else that he might want to add, so it was not a one-sided conversation. And do you know what? He readily agreed with me.

“It has been observed that most of the time, if a time or location chosen for discussion is that which you are comfortable in, but the partner or family is not, it will likely put them on the defensive.

“Instead, a time that suits both parties – that is you and your husband or family – and a place that is neutral and gives no one the advantage is best. Or if you're the one that wants to have the discussion, why don’t you have your partner choose where you will talk?

“Our bedroom is the place my husband and I have chosen to iron out issues pertaining to us and the home. Here, we are alone; no one is disturbing us – not even the children,” Dr. Akintunde revealed. while being rushed or tired is not a good way to feel during an important discussion, one might want to choose a time that works out best for both.

To this, the don disclosed, “I normally wait till it’s late in the evening when we are through with the day’s activities or very early in the morning when one is feeling refreshed and the mind is clear, to discuss sensitive issues with my husband and children.” According to her “a lot can be sorted out during this period and meaningful decisions taken.

“There is no disputing the fact that one may be sometimes wrong in one’s thinking, ideas or react violently. at times like this, it’s best to admit one’s fault. From experience, it is observed that a partner or even children like it when you admit to being fallible. We all make mistakes and we're much more likely to listen to those that admit to doing so.

“I have learnt over time that patience and wisdom are the best measures a woman needs to exercise at the point of taking decisions and running the home generally. I thank God for the grace He has given me not to always respond or react to issues or decisions which I sense might not favour the family.

“I am not an angel, because I sometimes get angry and immediately give a response to counter whatever decision on ground; but immediately I realise what I have done, I keep quiet.

“There is actually no point arguing and shouting at each other over an issue, with the children watching. It is no good way of living. Whenever I realise I am wrong, I allow tension to ease out and I apologise. I do this both to my husband and children and you won’t believe it, it has always earned me much respect in my family while also boosting the love in the home,” she concluded.