‘No Man Wants A Frigid Wife In Bed’

Mrs. Oyeronke AdisaMrs. Oyeronke Adisa is an educationist, Social Worker and Conflict Manager, who has distinguished herself in her fields of endeavour. She speaks with TOLUWANI OLAMITOKE on sundry issues relating to the successful management of a typical Nigerian home as it relates to her own personal experience.

What’s your profession and how long have you been in it?
I AM an educationist, social worker and conflict manager. I have been teaching for the past 20 years and made my mark in the field(s) by imparting indepth knowledge to my students. Many of these students are today doing well in their various professions while some do come back to me, expressing their appreciation for not only tutoring them but also being a sister and mother . This I find fulfilling.

When did you contract your marriage?
I got married in April, 1985 .That was 23 years ago.

Can you say marriage is a bed of roses?
No, not at all, but the most important thing is to be married to your best friend. Marriage has its ups and downs, but when you are married to someone who understands you, you then find it easy to move on. Very essential in marriage is communication. If a couple makes it a point of duty to communicate regularly, problems would be resolved. Couples need to open up, say it if offended, while your partner apologises. When you respect your spouse, he would reciprocate and appreciate you. Men want to be respected, and lack of this in a home would result in conflict.

Some couples live like co-tenants. What can be responsible?
Many things. I will make mention of respect again.Every man wants to be held in high-esteem even when the wife is older. I have come to discover even small boys seek to be respected by the opposite sex. One other issue is lack of trust. Trust is very vital in a relationship. I can stand up for my husband any day, any time. Couple(s) should understand each other to the point that if a negative report comes to one’s husband, he would be able to vouch for her. Lack of trust results in misunderstanding, suspicion and rancour – some couple(s) end up boxing each other. Again, in a situation where a woman fails to play her role properly – that is, being a wife before a mother, a rift will likely hold. The role of a wife should not be waived aside because children are coming. Our husbands should not be neglected. I find it very important to be alone with my husband. I sometimes travel to Lagos to be with him. when alone, we discuss and share loving moments. What we cannot do before the children can be done when alone. This cements our love and boosts our relationship.

The act of appreciation is missing in many relationships. My husband is based in Lagos, whenever he comes home for the weekend, I will say ‘thank you for coming.’ I know travelling along the dilapidated roads is tedious and tasking. I see his travelling home regularly as a display of love and care for me and our children. If he doesn’t come, what will I do? Nothing. I return his care with appreciation, love and affection.

Does the practice of communicating through non-verbal cues hold in your relationship?
It does and it helps when I want to pass a message across to my husband. When my husband reads my facial expression, he knows what I am saying and vice versa. It can also be a way of expressing love to one’s partner, and this we do most of the time. My husband will come close and touch a part of my body – by doing this he has communicated or said a volume. These gestures, I like in him.

Can you describe your spouse?
He’s Simon Gbade Adisa, my best friend, a very understanding man who encourages me a lot. He’s into marketing. My husband believes so much in me and sees to it that I forge ahead in life. He encouraged me to go for my Master’s programme. I have two master’s degrees. He is also painstaking and rarely displays anger. He taught me not to get moody or withdraw into my shell whenever we have a misunderstanding. Rather, he will always see to it that we talk things over. He’s my father and elder brother and cares a lot about me.

Do you see your spouse as different from other men?
The difference is miles apart. When growing up, I saw no good example of marriage around me. As such, I made up my mind that I wouldn’t get married. I later planned to study Law so that whenever my husband misbehaves, I would be in a good position to deal with him legally and put him behind bars. Thank God, I got married to a caring husband. It does not matter who is around, when he feels like expressing his love to me he does. Again, my spouse has never raised his hand to hit me, rather, he would ask me why I did whatever it was that annoyed him and correct me in love.

What should a wife’s disposition to his in-laws be?
You don’t withdraw your husband from his immediate family. Women like doing this. sometimes, they squeeze their faces or react in ways which show they want their in-laws out of their homes. This is wrong. To every man, his siblings and extended family members are important. I don’t have problem with my in-laws.

In what ways can your spouse make you happier?
One thing my husband knows is that I don’t compromise my happiness, I am very concerned about it. He’s always doing his best to make me happy. People keep asking me what I do to look younger despite my age (47 years), and I always tell them my secret - I have peace of mind , courtesy of my spouse. I can’t ask for more.

It is said women are in charge at home. Does this apply to your home?
Yes, very much. A home where the woman is not in charge will end up in disarray. It’s the woman who decides what to eat, wear, which school the children should go and the likes. I see these as my responsibility. My husband plays his role by providing money for the upkeep of the home, pays the children school fees and does many other things. A good woman will make sure her husband dresses well and neat. I see to my husband’s laundry.

How many female children do you have?
Two. I also have two males.

What advice would you give your daughters while dating?
My elder daughter is 18 years and she is very close to me. I make sure she discusses freely and also confides in me. I told her how to go about her life without jeopardising her future. She can have male friends but her relationship with them should be void of intimacy or affection which could lead to illicit act or the display of lust of the flesh. My mother would always tell me my education was the best legacy she could give me. She would always stress that a boy who takes you to bed will never marry you but rather boast to his friends that he has been there. I believe a girl should keep herself for her husband.

How do you retain the spark in your relationship?
Most women take things for granted. Some are in the habit of preparing the same dish for their husbands day in, day out. I always spice my dishes and like introducing something new.I will sometimes stop on my way home , buy fish and make my husband pepper soup. He loves this. Again, if you know what your husband likes, give it to him. My spouse loves fruits and vegetables. I bought him the first mango he ate this year. He was home for the weekend and I packed him some mangoes when returning.He called me while eating them on getting to Lagos. He said, ‘thank you , I am eating my first mangoes this year and they are from you’. He blessed me on the phone. I sometimes pack for him fried fish or chicken which he appreciates. Sexual relationship is also very important in a relationship. A woman should be forthcoming and not be frigid. No man likes a frigid woman in bed no matter the age. Since I belong to the literary world, I write for my husband poems expressing my love, appreciation and gratitude.This thrills him.