Men’s deepest desire! (2)

By Ruth Olurounbi

“As against women that experience
bonding in sharing their deepest fears
and anxiety, men are comfortable
hanging out with their buddies in silence.”This may be a bit surprising. There is a general belief that men have unstoppable libido and they are always up for it. But a marriage counsellor, Ms. Michele Davis, has submitted that that belief is nothing but a myth. Another marriage counsellor, Mrs. Abiodun Adewale, said it is a myth that is prevalent in Nigerian culture that has in several ways made men that experience low sexual desire ashamed and feel less than a man.

She explained that the issue of low sexual drive strikes deeply into a man’s self-belief so much that very few men are willing to discuss it or seek help. If your man is experiencing low sexual drive, though it may be worrisome, you need to know that the problem may not be you or your relationship. The problem could come in the form of biological causes such as cardiovascular diseases, diabetes, alcoholism or abuse of drug, lack of exercise, lack of good sleep and the likes, or he is simply getting older. Because men generally do not talk about their feelings, they tend to stop having sex in order to avoid the embarrassment.

Another point that needs consideration is that just as a woman may not feel up to sex, men are not different. Michele Davis, after an extensive research that went in the publication of her book “The Sex-Starved Marriage,” submitted that as men feel increased pressure to measure up to metrosexual models of masculinity, they feel their bodies simply can’t measure up. They think of how their pasty skin and bear-belly could turn a woman on. On the other hand, he may be experiencing the frustrating problem (both to him and his woman) due to stress that may come in any form like losing a job, losing someone that is close to him, depression or anxiety about an uncertain future, then the energy or desire to engage in sex simply disappears, says Dr. Olukunle Olukotun. A psychologist, Mrs. O. Adeyemo, said another factor that contributes to low sexual deisre could come in form of an abusive past or confusion over his sexual orientation.

So when you notice that your man is not demanding for sex as he used to, or he is simply not responsive when you initiate sex, instead of thinking that he is probably having an affair, it may be one of his deepest secrets that he is not willing to share, not even with his doctor. Although you cannot absolutely rule out the possibilty that he is having an affair, neither can one be absolutely sure that he is not expending his sexual energy on pornography. You need to know, counselled a marriage expert, that none of these factors can independently damage your relationship. Ms. Watherman said: “You owe it to yourself and to your relationship to make sure there’s lot of wonderful, fun-filled and satisfying sex in your relationship. So make sure you talk about your sex life and whether it is satisfying to you both.” Conversation afterall, she said, is the best foreplay.

Men, at a passing glance, are perceived to be calm, cool and collected. But that is at a very passing glance. They worry as much as women do. They are as afraid as anybody but they would not admit it. As against women that experience bonding in sharing their deepest fears and anxiety, men are comfortable hanging out with their buddies in silence. A relationship expert said “you can be sure that male gathering won’t involve all that much sharing of deep thoughts and feelings; instead, it tends to be about one-upmanship and physical competition. A man wants and is perfectly happy with his strong and silent image, and he wants to keep it that way.

” You need to understand that men worry about not being “man” enough; they worry that you’ll compare them with your exes and find them lacking; they worry their look is not good enough, therefore, you will stray; they worry about not measuring up in their workplace and in the bedroom; they worry that you (the girlfriend or wife) will gain alot of weight); they worry they won’t be able to have sex with anyone else for the rest of their lives; they worry they will not know how to make you feel better when you are upset; they worry about losing you; they worry about not being good fathers; and the most unbelievable (did I hear you say) of all is “a man’s greatest fear is not being able to make you happy,” Watherman submitted.

The key at understanding this is by looking at how men understand what it means to be a man. To be a man is not only to be silent and strong as perceived by many, but being a man is also to be a protector and a provider. Watherman said although most men will admit that they enjoy having a woman take care of them and would even become house husbands if given half a chance, there is still a part of them deep in their pysche that sees their proper role as the head or breadwinner of the family. Most men testify to this. Primarily, men believe that in a nuclear family, the woman is a wife, a mother and a homemaker, while he, the man, is the husband and the breadwinner. They believe that even as the gender role has become more dynamic now, the idea of the man as a provider cannot be overemphasised.

Therefore, men, as a result of being a provider, feel good when they can provide for their women. The author of “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus,” Mr. John Gray, as qouted by Watherman in one of her books, added that “men feel best as givers and women feel best as receivers. As long as a man is able to give and the woman able to receive his gift, both will be fulfilled in the relationship.”

The key to undersatnding a man and to winning his heart is by letting him know how happy he makes you. Experts have suggested that letting a man play a role in your life, appreciating everything he does for you, even if he blushes is very important. There is a problem here though, many of us women don’t know how to receive a man’s gift with grace. Many feel so uncomfortable without giving anything in return. We tend to do everything all by ourselves, as such leave the men as guests in our lives. It is about time we stopped the ‘what a man can do, a woman can do better’ syndrome and start to feel how the men feel. It is about time women started making room for men to make their unique contributions in to their lives and receive whatever gift they have to give with gratitude and appreciation.

A saying goes that “show a man just how happy he makes you, and you will make HIM the happiest man alive.” That cannot be farther than the truth.

(Concluded)
Additional report from the Internet