Can you find true love?

Updated: Friday 10-04-2009

BOLA and David courted for about six years before they eventually tied the nuptial knot. They were school mates during their university days and when they were on campus they won the campus couple of the year several times.

They were the toast of the campus and several people and other couples on campus used to envy their relationship. They were both romantic and would stop at nothing to show their feelings for each other, although decently.

It was a foregone conclusion that their relationship would eventually end at the altar and it did to the joy of everybody.

The first few years of their marriage was smooth. Everything went well and it was like an extension of their honeymoon. Things however changed, according to Bola’s account, after the birth of Timilehin, their first child.

David began to complain about everything Bola did and he stopped being the loving husband she used to know.

Either by omission or commission, Bola too did not help the situation. She became a nag in the house; her own defence mechanism against David’s behaviour. This situation went on for a long time and Bola was always accusing David of not loving her even during their courtship years.

One of the friends who knew them on campus who had travelled overseas immediately after school came into the country, bumped into Bola and she saw a different woman; a shadow of her former self. She wanted to know what happened, Bola spoke with her and along the line, she discovered that what Bola was passing through were just the normal marital problems.

Itua and Steve’s case is however different from the first couple’s. Steve, the husband, according to him, did everything possible to make their wedlock a success, but it’s like Itua did not want to make a success of their union.

They had a courtship of nine years and several times Steve wondered if this was the same woman who was level-headed and nice during the courtship years.

These two examples are not typical of these couples. A lot of things happen in marital life which change the love and joy of courtship years. These have led a lot of people - men and women- to actually question if real love is possible.

Is the “I love you,” which both the man and woman repeat often during courtship years real? If it is real, what happens to it during marital life?

If you love someone or somebody you will not hurt him/her, you would not beat, hit or hurt him/her. You would not cheat on him or her or tell lies to him or her.

What is the place of jealousy, anger, envy, possessiveness and strife in love? Also, how important is the place of money and sex in love?When you sum up a lot of things and issues, can you say true love exists?

Readers React as follows:
“In my opinion, true love exists, but it is very rare. Not every married couple exhibits true love for each other.

Yes, it is true that during courtship years, both the man and woman say ‘I love you’ often. I am of the opinion that at that time, both of them are novices, they really do not know the meaning of what they are saying. They make a lot of promises that later become difficult to fulfil.

When the other party discovers that the one who made the promise is not fulfilling or he/she is defaulting, trouble starts. When you love someone you don’t hurt her/him but there is no way a woman won’t hurt her husband or vice versa.

Sometimes it could be deliberate, sometimes it may not be deliberate. If you want to measure true love with the above yardsticks, then it does not and can not exist in any marriage or relationship. But when you want to look at it from the angle of tolerance, care, prosperity ,etc, you can find it.

My conclusion is that finding true love in a union could be relative. The criteria “A” might be looking at could be different from what “B” would really accept as true love. Hassan Tadese, consultant

Men, especially Nigerian men, don’t know the meaning of true love and they cannot show or exhibit it.

It is the men who promise heaven and earth during courtship. They seek a woman’s hand in marriage and once they have what they want, they changed and become beasts.

How would a man promise to love and cherish a woman and turn round to beat and hit her at the slightest provocation?

Is there love in cheating on your wife? Is there love in being deceitful? Majority of our men are full of deceit and when you uncover their deceit, they turn it into something else.

I don’t really see true love as a reality. Anthonia Conde, Lagos

We are all human beings and when you are asking for or seeking true love among human beings, it is like asking for perfection. And nobody is perfect, only God is perfect and only God truly loves us.

This He exhibited by sending His only son to die for us and remove our sins.
If you are looking for or demanding true love from your spouse, it means you are equating him or her with God.

To whom much is given much is expected, when you have a relationship with another human being, always leave room for or excuse the fact that he or she is a human being so he/she is fallible. When you have this in mind in every relationship not only with your spouse, you will be able to overlook some things and it won’t hurt so much if you become hurt in the course of your relationship with the other person.

As far as I am concerned, true love, perfect love and Agape love is only possible with God. Albert Ademiluyi.

True love and sincere love is very possible and it exists between a couple. The prerequisite is just the fear of God. If both of them fear God and see God in the next person of course they will treat each other with fairness and the fear of God. Rita Onu.

In your own opinion, do you think real love exists?

Do you think as human beings we ask for too much from each other?

Whatever your conclusion, think of your spouse and that other man/woman you have a relationship with as a child of God and do unto others.