‘If Pride Were To Be Left Out Of Relationships, Marriage Would Be Sweeter’

Nene LadehindeWhile some couples separate as soon as they are joined together in marriage, others recount how they have not only remained married for decades but have enjoyed blissful relationships. Are there some sort of formulae behind these? Toluwani Olamitoke spoke with Mrs. Nene Ladehinde who has been married for 24 years.

MY parents have a very good relationship” I often hear my friend say.

“What do you mean by ‘good’? I asked. They didn’t fight. They spent a lot of time with each other.

That may have been the definition of a good relationship years ago, but now, no doubt people want more.

At a marriage seminar, the speaker asked couples (who were the listening audience) these questions:

Can the two of you laugh and play together? Do you appreciate and enjoy each other’s sense of humour? In the midst of difficulties, can you help each other to lighten up with humour? can you be playful with each other, letting yourselves be like kids together?

Is your sexual relationship warm and caring? Can you be sexually spontaneous? Can you talk with each other about what brings pleasure to each of you?

Do you each feel free to be all that you are? Do you each feel supported in pursuing what brings you joy?

The questions went on and on. There are many signs to look out for in a healthy relationship, Mrs. Nene Ladehinde, a businesswoman but a seasoned and experienced mother told Women Affairs.

Ladehinde, highlighting some of these signs, listed trust, care, understanding, forgiveness, honesty, tolerance, kindness, openness and healthy communications among others.

Picking on healthy communication, she asked a series of rhetorical questions: do you each feel heard, understood and accepted? Can you share your secrets with your partner without fearing being judged..

“I want to state here that in any healthy relationship, good communication is very vital,” she continued.

“Lack of communication brings a lot of misunderstanding between people, most especially couples and the children. Each spouse should be able to express their feelings or thoughts to their partner without fear of being misunderstood.

“I usually tell people, my friends most especially, that I am not a mind reader and as such won’t know what goes on in their minds unless I am told.

“I strongly believe that in any sound relationship, the parties involved must be able to discuss, talk, share their fears and joys, and most especially, say what they really are expecting from each other.

“This has really helped me in my marriage. By the grace of God, I will say that for the past 24 years, my husband and I have not really got any problem too serious to be resolved.

We have never had a third party come to help us settle our difference. Never! “This is so because we have always been able to talk things over without allowing things to be prolonged or grow stale.

All relationships, it is acknowledged, have some conflicts, and it is often stressed that it is not the conflict that is the issue, but how you deal with it.

Do you have a method for resolving conflicts or do the issues just keep getting swept aside? Women Affairs asked.

“Don’t misunderstand me here,“ Ladehinde cautioned. “As a normal couple, we have our own share of quarrels and misunderstanding; but the difference is that we don’t go to sleep without settling them. My husband believes in settling all before we sleep. And this has really helped us.”

Does this depict your attitude? When one or both of you get angry, do you hang on it, keep nurse the grudge, punish your partner with it, or you easily let it go?

“I have come to learn over time that the word ‘sorry’ should not be far from couples’ lips. One should be ready and able to apologise for any wrong deed without being coerced,” stressed the entrepreneur.

“You see, most couples even go to the extent of keeping malice just because of pride. The other is not just ready to say ’I am sorry’. This is not right. The truth is, if pride were to be left out of a relationship, marriage would be sweeter.”

She added that when there’s true love, one overlooks a lot of hurts and faults. She believes forgiveness is the most significant on list of signs of a happy, healthy home.

“This I have really enjoyed with my spouse. It’s a standing joke in my family that I keep record of all his faults while he forgets mine!

“The bible is very right by stating that love coves all wrongs. If you truly love someone, you will easily forgive him or her of all wrongs.

“The truth is, when you easily forgive your spouse of any wrong, then your relationship will be strong. To my husband, forgiveness does not mean excusing the wrong deed, because wrong is wrong. To him, true love never tries to make wrong less what it is. But forgiveness ends the bitterness, anger and resentment which usually accompanies an offence.

“At times even if it is any of the children that has offended him, he says, ‘What you did really hurts, but because I value you as a person, I forgive you’ and life goes on. One should not dwell on the offence for too long. This helps.”

Highlighting on the aspect of trust, Mrs Ladehinde stressed “I learnt this when I newly got wedded. I got married very early and I was quite young. I was already pregnant in my first year in the university. Our house was a stone’s throw to the university campus. But because of my big belly, some of my lecturers would drop me (and one of my friends) off at home.

“Unknown to us, the gateman (Alhaji) was keeping watch on us, writing down the car plate numbers of those who dropped us at home. On this fateful day, he called my husband and not only told him all he saw but showed him the numbers.

“Unfortunately for him, I had always told my husband who and who dropped me off each day; and these men he knew. So he just told the gate man to mind his gate and not his wife.

“It was that same day he decided to teach me how to drive while he also advised me to be careful the way I conducted myself, since people around might likely misunderstand things. You see, this takes trust.”

Recalling another incident, she recounted: “my husband was in Abuja while I was here with the children. He would travel home every forthnight.

“A friend came up with the idea of me paying him an impromptu visit so as to catch him redhanded. To me, this was very funny and absurd, because I knew there was nothing to be caught. I told him it wasn’t worth the risk on the road and he was surprised. When I later told my husband the story, he said, ‘Tell him we are not accountable to one another but to God who sees all of us at all times’.

“Openness pays in any relationship,“ she stressed. “In my case, I ensure, my husband is informed of developments or occurrences about me or the children before he hears about them from someone outside the home.

“In the area of finance, there’s also openness. Our boys know how much their daddy earns and how much I make. This way, no one goes demanding for what is not economically feasible in the home. There would have been a discussion on if the person needs that thing or not.

“We also allow the boys to partake in decision making in the home. We don’t just push things on them. This helps them in being open and free with us. We also learn a thing or two from them and even encourage dialogue with them.

“Above all, God has been faithful, for without him, it wouldn’t have been possible to maintain the relationship—especially for the fact that we come from different tribes, backgrounds and had different upbringing.”

Obviously, while some people may naturally be open, kind, affectionate, accepting, and emotionally responsible for themselves, most people need to heal the fears and false beliefs they learnt in their families.

No doubt, healthy relationships evolve as each person evolves in their ability to be loving to themselves and to each other.