Dating mistakes women should avoid

By Ruth Olurounbi

THE single life comes with a handful of lovely perks such as freedom to live life as one wants (as long as it doesn’t hurt another person), freedom to pursue one’s dreams, freedom to choose what and what not to eat (for those who find cooking boring) and if you are spiritual, an undivided devotion to God. As interesting as single life can be, it also comes with some struggles. Virtually every single woman or man would want to have a great relationship, fall and stay in love and eventually, marry and watch one’s grandchildren grow. That is, when some perequisite are met.

Now, for some single women, they find it extremely hard to find a date, while their friends are having the fun of their lives with several dates. It might feel to some as if the last time they dated was several decades ago. This doesn’t mean that there is something absolutely wrong with them. It is just that they are doing something wrong while thinking they are doing it right. These things consequently drive men away from them.

From the male’s point of view, these things are absolute no, no. The women in question might not know that what they are doing is wrong, but then what is wrong is wrong. Someone once said “you are not judged by your intentions, but by your actions.” Your intentions may be right, but if your actions are not acceptable, then you are simply wrong. So, here are three tips in what you do wrong, thinking you are doing them right.

Number one on the list is what Slade Shaw calls “fluffing.” Slade Shaw is a relationship expert alongside Mirabelle Summers at MeetYourSweet.com. According to Shaw, “fluffing is when you make meaningless, polite, conventional, non-offensive chitchat about ordinary, normal, everyday subjects.” Wait a minute, before you start saying at this time and age? No woman would do that! Here is the explanation to what Shaw called ‘fluffing.’ Such conversations that border on the obvious like ‘It’s a cool day today, isn’t it?” Have you eaten here before, ‘So tell me, what are your parents like?’ and all the likes, are what men hate when they are on a date with a woman.

Tunde Ayeni (not real names) recounted that before he finally met the woman he married, what pissed him off about some women was their lack of ‘valuable conversation’ on their first dates. He agreed with Shaw that when a woman is ‘fluffing,’ men don’t get to find out anything of worth about the woman, consequently, they don’t get to talk about anything interesting about themselves, or reveal any interesting parts of their character to you (the woman).

You might want to know that when a man asks you for a date, it doesn’t mean he has made up his mind about you. Sure, he is attracted to you or why else would he have asked you out in the first place? But he is undecided about you. Whatever you do on your first date will help him decide if he will come back or if he will back off.

Shaw along with a host of other men interviewed for this piece suggested that instead of wasting their time (and yours) on boring conversations, tell them something that is interesting. Something interesting they suggested include, talking about yourself (though some relationship experts worry that you might divulge everything about yourself at a go); things that make you happy, things you can’t stand. In short, give yourself a personality. That way, men can assure you that the date is not a waste of time. “Not only is it going to be way more interesting and fun if you talk about cool stuff that means something to you, but it actually gives your date the opportunity to see if he really likes you, as a woman and as a person,” Shaw submitted.

Ayobami Adebayo, one of the men interviewed recently, wondered why some women who were vocal, funny, smart and independent, could suddenly become so passive when they are on a date. What confuses him, he said, is that these attributes were what attracted him to the woman in the first place. After a while at trying to figure what he feels about the passivity, he said that it sucks. Ayobami was not the only guy who feels this way.

Segun Obateru added that many women he had come across fall into this category. He explained passivity as a state in which a woman accepts whatever the man she goes out on a date with says without reacting or trying to voice her opinion.

Slade Shaw describes it as “the human equivalent of a lump of gelatin! Odorless, textureless, flavourless, no distinguishing characteristics whatsoever...”

An example of a passive lady on a date, is a lady who had, before the date, come around, being witty, funny, interactive, independent, then suddenly has no opinion of her own. She doesn’t know what she wants or doesn’t want. She simply looks up to her date and allows him to make all the decisions instead. If you are lady in this category, please listen to Shaw. He said “have an opinion at all costs!! Men hate it when you follow our lead all the time. It’s pretty boring to be the one making decisions all the time – we want to know what you feel like doing. We want to know what you like! We want you to have enough character, confidence, and personality to know what you want.

When you play second fiddle to us, it makes you come across as an unconfident dishing, someone who would prefer to listen to the opinions of others, because she has so little confidence of her own.” Wow! I bet you don’t want to be like that all.

Do you know what men would love? Shaw asks. “A woman who’s happy to take the reins every once in a while. A woman who can organise things according to how SHE wants them to be. A woman who’s happy to compromise, who’s not daunted when decision-making time rolls around. That’s hot.” Wouldn’t rather be the latter than the former? That was the number two on the list.

The last on the list which fortunately or unfortunately is the major reason some women do not get to see their dates around anymore is when they try to fix them. Over and over again, men have yelled, screamed or have given a silent hint which says: “We hate you when you try to fix us. Just accept us the way we are.” I never saw the practicality of men hating to be fixed until Ronke almost lost her man, Lanre. According to him, Ronke tried to help him fix all his problems and he hated her for it. It came to a point where he couldn’t live with it anymore. He had to tell Ronke to stop it (in a not too pleasant manner) or she should go. To him, Ronke’s constant wanting to interfere looked as if she was mothering him and that was weird. Now before you start saying something like that’s Ronke, not me or I’d never do that, why don’t you pause for a minute and think about it?

The explanation here is that when you practically force the man in your life to open up to you about his problem and try to help him figure out how to deal with them without his soliciting for your help, you are trying to fix him. That can be annoying and irritating.

Men don’t want your advice unless they ask for it. They love to solve their problem on their own. It’s a way out to prove their masculinity.

So instead of trying to help him figure what his problems are, why don’t you just pretend as if you don’t know he has a problem until he tells you so. You know why? The more you ask him to open up to you before he really gets the time to test and prove that he can open up to you, he’ll see you as a constant nag.

All the best in life and love.

Additional reports: Internet.