‘Wife Of Promiscuous Husband Should Insist On Condom’

Dr. (Mrs) Bose OlaDr. (Mrs) Bose Ola, a medical practitioner, who has been in practice for over two decades, in this interview with TOLUWANI OLAMITOKE speaks on how she copes with the challenges of her job and that of her 22-year marriage. Excerpts:

HOW long have you been practisng and what’s your area of specialisation?
I have been practising for the past 22 years. I am an anaesthetist.

What challenges do you face on your job?
Many. Some patients are very superstitious and won’t want to go far when it comes to applying orthodox medicine.one has to consistently talk them out of these beliefs. Some are poor and can’t afford the prescribed medication, they either stop coming or opt for an alternative medication andwhen their ailment is worsened they are rushed back to the hospital, then you start examination and treatment all over again. Many also have fears and would want to confide in you- talk with you on one-on-one basis. This requires time, patience and sometimes supporting financially. At times, we have emergencies to cope with, especially when women in labour are rushed here from traditional birth hospitals.

Can you tell us when and how you met your spouse?
We were both in the medical school at the University of Ife, now Obafemi Awolowo University.That was in the 80s. He was the president, Medical Students Fellowship while I was a member of the exco. We worked together and served in the same exco for two years. He was also a member of Student Christian Movement while I belonged to Evangelical Christian Union. We became close and gradually, one thing led to the other.

How did you become convinced that he was Mr. Right?
I wasn’t actually interested in marriage initially. My mind was made up to be a missionary because I discovered that many of those married around me then were enduring their marriage and living a life of cover-up. I feared ending up in such a state, and so I felt the best way I could escape such was to go for missions. With this in my mind, I cut every other brother who made a proposal off like a leech. There was even a particular person whom I was very close to; I read in his office, we understood ourselves well enough and it was obvious we were compatible, but I cut him off when he proposed. The kind of relationship which held between my spouse and I was pure friendship, it had nothing to do with dating. But when he proposed, I went to pray about it. This was the first time I ever did that and God actually spoke to me. He told me my spouse was His choice for me, while He also told me He didn’t call me to be a missionary.

Tell us about your spouse?
He is Christopher Akinkunmi Ola, a gentle, simple and intelligent man. He is also a medical practitioner and presently based abroad.

How was your early days in marriage like?
It was a bit rough. There were challenges. My father-in-law was too possessive and overbearing. He wanted to control every area of our lives. This was a problem to my spouse who didn’t want to displease his father while also trying all he could to please me. He was held in- between. This was so for some time. I was fed up having such an overbearing father-in-law, but with time, things got straightened out and peace reigned.

How important do you consider communication in a relationship?
It’s one of the most important factors in marriage. couples quarrel because they lack understanding of each other and this as a result of communication gap. When a couple communicates regularly, misunderstanding between the duo will be minimal and they will have mutual respect for each other. Communication gap can also lead to mistrust, misconception and suspicion.

Can you recall any trying moment in your marriage?
There were actually some.I can’t but remember our three years child delay. it was traumatic. I had my first pregnancy a month after we got married but lost it. For about three years, we were expecting another baby which didn’t come. By that time, my father-in-law was already agitating. It was a horrible experience. Thank God all is now history. Another period was when my spouse travelled out. It was hell without him around. I missed him a lot while it took time adjusting.Before he travelled, he was teaching me how to drive, but never allowed me to drive his car. When he travelled, I was left with no option than taking the car on the road since I had to drop the children in school, go to work and run the home. Among other responsibilities, my husband made it compulsory I sent him pictures of the children at different stages. I had much on my hands but I waded through.

Who makes the first move in resolving misunderstanding in your home?
When we have misunderstanding, I always make the first move to iron things out. My husband will never do this, in fact, he will say nothing and after a while he will relate with me as if nothing had actually happened. He likes brushing issues under the carpet, and this I don’t like. I like talking, seeking out where the problem lies whenever we have a clash so that we can settle it there and then. When there is a conflict, my husband will always look moody and after a while, he will go out and buy me gift if he feels he is guilty. I like discussing a problem and resolving it instantly.

And how do you pacify your spouse when angry with you?
I will just leave him alone, let him be. He won’t listen to whatever you say or give a response when he is annoyed, so the best thing is to leave him.

Does the practice of calling each other by name hold in your home?
I don’t like the idea of calling my partner Baba this or that. It sounds absurd to me. I have a pet name for my husband. I call him Chairman or sometimes his name — Chris and its vis-a-vis in our relationship. This makes us feel young at heart and reminds us of the period we were courting. I ensure I feel good and young in all I do. It’s very essential. I don’t at anytime wear my age on me.

How supportive has your husband been as regards to your job?
I started running my private clinic after he travelled. He was very thrilled and impressed. Initially, it was difficult paying my staff salary. He took up the challenge and was sending me money regularly to pay these salaries. He actually helped me in securing my job in a government hospital. Some equipment used in my clinic were bought by him and while he is around, he will always help in doing the ward-round services, attending to my patients. Even while away, he would ask and discuss about my patients on admission. It’s like a joint practice even though he’s not physically present.

Has it been easy coping with the demands of your home and the job?
Now that my family is outside the country, it’s a bit easy coping with both. I ensure I travel to see them a minimum of twice in a year. But before they all travelled, it was a bit hectic combining both. So what I did was to get a young housegirl who did the cleaning of the home while I did the cooking. I would cook at weekends and stock the stuff in the freezer for the week. I also learnt to cook and bake things which we could gulp down fast.

In what ways do you revive romance in your home?
When my husband is around, we go out, dine out, watch films, visit the park, go shopping, travel and the likes.We ensure we are together and have fun enough to cover those months we were apart. It’s always like we are courting again and sincerely, all these boost our relationship.

Your marriage is blessed with how many children?
Two, a female who is 19 years old and a male, 17 years. They are students schooling abroad.

Who is closer to your heart,your husband or children?
My husband and children occupy different positions — there is no cause for rivalry. I always tell them I can divide my heart into three parts. Children display sibling rivalry, but I don’t weigh a child over the other. My spouse and children have different roles. There are times my husband will tell my son to leave me when he feels he’s getting too much of my attention. I know men can also be jealous.

It is observed many children these days do not find a friend in their parents. In what ways can you make your children your friend?
I can tell you without a shadow of doubt that my daughter’s best friend is me. I don’t keep anything from my children. The three of us were sleeping on the same bed when their dad travelled out. I made up my mind I was going to be close with my children and I worked on it. My mother was very strict with us when growing up. She was a disciplinarian and wasn’t our friend, so my siblings and I couldn’t confide in her, we would rather turn to our dad. When my daughter was young, she would confide in the house girls and my nurses. I didn’t like this at all. I would call her, ask her questions and make her comfortable with me. Then,gradually she started opening up to me. I know my children’s girlfriends and boyfriends and even speak with them on the phone. Of recent, my daughter went out to watch a film with a friend and missed the last bus. She was at a loss for what to do and called me here in Nigeria. It was funny to me and I asked her to call and inform her dad. This is to show how close we are.

As a medical practitioner, what advice can you give a woman with a promiscuous husband as regards to sex?
She should insist on his husband using condom, if they are through with making babies. One needs wisdom. You have a right to protect your life. There are several sexually transmitted diseases that can be contracted. HIV/AIDS is real while a wife who has a husband with multiple partners is prone to cancer of the cervix. Some men can be helped if talked to but some are just reckless and careless with their lives. Sex is not food, one can do without it. Not that I am advising such a woman to say no to sex to the detriment of her relationship or home, but rather, don’t allow it unprotected.

Why do many marriages hit the rock, and how can this be averted?
We have conflicts in homes due to different reasons. A problem is that of some partners who hide their character traits when dating or courting. When married, the real characters are displayed, then conflict ensues. People can’t be the same. Every marriage needs trust, sincerity, openness to each other, mutual respect and commitment to survive. Don’t assume your partner has no brain because she is a woman. Every marriage is challenged.it could be that of finance, a child’s disability and the likes. Whether a couple is a Christian,Muslim or of whatever belief, they need to work on their marriage, if they want it to last.