When the kids bear the brunt

By Taiwo Akinlembola

MARIAN and Michael are siblings, they are aged 11 years and seven years respectively, but if you listen to their discussions, you would wonder how come they have such wisdom and why they are so bitter any cynical at such tender age. For both of them school days means an opportunity to be away from home and their parents problems. Weekends and holiday periods are worst and they always wished days like this never come.

The bottom line is that, their home is not one you can be proud of, their parents are always at each other’s throat and these children have known them to be like that since they were old enough to be conscious of their immediate environments. Their maternal grand mother who used to be their saving grace when they go to visit her died a year ago. They are left at the mercy of their parents who lived like the proverbial cat and mouse. Whenever they are quarrelling which is often, they dare not be in the way or raise their voices to be heard.

Every time as young as they are, they listen to their mother rave and rant about how unfortunate she is because she married their father and how sad it is because she has to stay with the stupid man because of them. Their father on his own part never stops calling them bastards and he equally does not mince words to tell them to ask their mother who their father is. Whenever their parents starts at each other, God save any of them who misbehaves, he or she would receive the beating of his/her life. So when they start to quarrel, they have learnt to be quiet and be of best behaviours.

In Tara’s case, her parents got divorced when she was very young and she never got to meet her father or any member of his family until she was over 21 years. All the time she was growing up her mother used to tell her different tales of how wicked her father and his family are and how it is best for her to avoid them completely. She met her father by chance at a friends mothers birthday. She was shocked and wanted to avoid him but he pleaded with her to please stay and talk to him. She did after the intervention of her friend’s family. Her father told her so many things her mother kept away form her and how she denied him any access to her after her parents divorce.

Tara was shocked at these revelation and she was even more shocked after she confronted her mum with what her father told her and all she could do was plead with her to forgive her. Damilola, had severally being at the end of her father’s anger and on so many occasions, he had beaten her to a near state of coma all because she was the only one he could vent his pent-up anger on, whenever he had a misunderstanding with her mother. She had suffered different forms of injury ranging from skull laceration to a broken arm. Eventually, Damilola and her mother left, but the scars remained.

For Josh and Tessy, its brutality and sorrow, afterall it wasn’t their fault that their parents marriage broke up and she had to remarry. Their step father and step- siblings never wanted them around and they made their lives a miserable one. The example can go on and on. A lot of children are going through emotional and physical abuse because of their parents state of mind, relationship, marital problems, financial problems and environmental factors. Why are so many innocent children victims today? Health care workers who are involved with children generally point out that there are three basic reasons.

1. Some parents with personality flaws such as self-esteem, volatile tempers or a marked lack of patience and self-control will take out their frustrations on those closest proximity, often their own helpless children.

2. Certain children tend to bring out the worst in their parents. For example, children who are hyperactive, by their very nature, tend to run-full bore from their waking moment until they drop exhausted. Stress continues to mount as a parent’s despair of speaking calmly or rationally.

3. Marital stress, which spans a broad garmount of problems from financial pressures to broken homes, also create distress and some of that is transferred to children. In simple terms, often parent’s can’t cope and as a result, their children becomes the victims. A sad legacy of child abuse is that victims of child abuse face a far greater challenges of growing up and duplicating this vengeful and aggression on their own children “all right,” you may be thinking to yourself, “the problem exists. What can be done about it?”

First, we need to recognise it is everybody’s problem. Ignoring the issue only aggravates the situation. When a child has bruises or welts, black eyes or injuries, someone needs to be held accountable, and our failure to do so not only is a grave injustice to the children but also abets the terrible act of child violence.

Second, we adults facing stress and pressure must learnt how to cope. This may require professional help. It requires emotional ventilation through exercise – hard vigorous exercise; prayer and therapy, and facing the issue clearly. Almost every person knows where his boiling point is., and if you feel that you are capable of losing it, you have to learn to shut off the system or get help before you get out of control. We can’t blame our society, however wrong it is. We must accept responsibility for ourselves today.