Of single mothers and marital bliss

By Monica Taiwo - updated: Friday 05-06-2009

TINA was just 17 years old when she got an admission into the university. She was having ambitious young woman’s dream-come-true life as she studied hard to become a business administrator and at the same time gulping down everything life has to offer when out of one parents’ watchful eyes.

When she was about 18 years, she discovered she was pregnant, an aftermath of a long vacation romance with a boy down the street, who was also an undergraduate.

Tina was stunned by her predicament but she figured it as a cross she alone must carry. In the bid to handle the tall order of motherhood and studies, which took a sessional break,she, however, weaned her baby, left her baby with her mother and went back to school.

Few years later, Tina had a degree, a fantastic job and a daughter. What was next to fill up the vacuum was a man and that was when the problem started. Tina never anticipated what she experienced. The “good” guys just seemed not to want a woman with a “baggage”.A brief romance was okay but a lifetime commitment was like a dream far-fetched.

“I don’t keep my daughter’s existence a secret like some single mothers do,” says Tina, now a manager with an advertising company. “I think I have my parents to thank for giving me the right perception about child-rearing. My mother was a love-child too and she experienced the complexities of being one. She said since no child asked to be born, he or she ought to live like any other child and deserves the best in life. And the best, I intend to give to my daughter. She has doting grandparents, a loving mother, the least I can give to her is good dad.”

Tina does not hide the fact that her nine-year-old, Onome is the most important person in her life and she has come to the conclusion that if a man thinks negative about her having a daughter, then the man is not worth marrying.

Tina is not alone in this single-motherhood dilemma. There are several ladies out there who can relate to the pains, shame and confusion usually associated with single motherhood.

Ours is not a society where single-motherhood is widely accepted. It’s a bane on our socio-cultural values and we tend to stigmatise women who have kids without a “father-figure.”

Never mind the level of enlightenment in our society, it is still a shameful act to have kids out of wedlock, little wonder some teenage girls conceal their pregnancies or do some nasty things like dumping newborn babies by the roadside or on a refuse heap because they are afraid of the embarrassment they will bring on their families, while some single mothers hide the existence of their children just to get a husband and be acceptable in its entirety.

While no one sets out to become a single mother,it is a reality for thousand of divorced, widowed and never-married mums. In fact, with the high rate of single marriages/ relationships and teenaged pregnancies more women are finding themselves in the clique more than ever.

To them, being a single mother and attempting to have some semblance of a social life is a delicate balancing act. When it comes to marriage, single mothers are confronted with questions, first is how to get the perfect, unbiased man with family members who will over look their status and accept their children.

To most single mothers who spoke with Strictly Femail, a girl’s fairy godmother must really be at work if such a man comes her way. “Most times, you have to make do with what comes your way,” laments Bimbo, a mother of two children out of wedlock. “People don’t understand that no one is above mistakes, especially if they’ve never been there before, and worst is if you have more than one kid like I do.

“Well, the man currently in my life is kind and understanding. I don’t know if he really likes my kids but he seems unperturbed about their existence. Sometimes, I think he is going out with me out of pity.”

Marriage and single-motherhood is often a struggle full of compromises as the woman tries to erase the stigma stamped on her, get the right man, do what’s right for the child and herself.

Not all never-married single mothers can handle this well. Foluke, a fashion designer had a child when she was in her late teens and when she found the man she loved, she had to keep the identity of her child because his parents will never agree to have her as a daughter-in-law if they get to know she had a child.

A good plan indeed but why feel guilty? Who gets hurt? “I often feel guilty about the whole thing, Foluke says. “Unfortunately, my girl is no longer a baby. She is 12 years old, smart and intelligent. I know she can sense what is going on and I see the hurt in her eyes when we go hush, hush round the place. How do I explain the situation to a 12- year- old? How do I make her understand that she is still special to me?

Widows are another category of single mothers who though not often shamefully stigmatised, find it not too easy re-entering the marital institution. While the average man takes pity on widows, only few men would like to take up extra responsibility of taking care of someone else’s children.Those few men are widowers, divorcees and polygamists mostly.
And God help that widow if she is old and unappealing, she will just have to zero her mind on marriage and live her life for her children.

Lucy Aina, a 43-year- old interior decorator and a mother of two teenaged boys said she never had it good with men since she lost her husband some years back. The death of her husband in 1999 really turned her whole world upside down, especially since the couple had two little boys. My sons were four and six years old then, my business was still in its teething stage, my in-laws carted away most of my husband’s property, leaving us penniless, so the thought of marriage never crossed my mind then,” says Lucy .

It took Lucy more than three years to get her life together and begin to think about marriage. And that was when she realised that marriage does not come on a platter of gold for widows.

“There are suitors quite alright. Some want a fling, some want to add you to their over-populated harem and some want you, but are not ready to take up your responsibilities. It’s like a deal, “you take care of your kids, I take care of mine and we take care of the kids we have together.”

“Once I had an opportunity to speak on the plights of widows in Nigeria on a radio programme, I mentioned these particular issues, and you know what? Applications started coming from men.Well, I’m yet to make a choice.”
If widows are pitied, divorced mothers are often condemned. Marriages break up for different reasons. None of which may be the woman’s fault but who will understand that assertion in a society where women are expected to stay with their husbands even if their lives and happiness are at stake? People say, if they couldn’t make their first marriage work, then they don’t deserve to be married again.

Sure, divorce is on the increase globally. Gone were the days when one’s ear tingled at the mere mention of the word divorce. Even if the society is becoming used to people divorcing, there are concequences to be bore and the likely victim is the woman.

While the man walks off unscratched and easily gets attached to a woman who is eager to become Mrs X, the woman has to wriggle her way into love, happiness and marriage. If you ask me, it is worse for divorced mothers,” asserts Ms Rosemary Odubela, an entreprenuer and mother of three. “After our divorce in 1988, my ex-husband remarried barely a year after but here I am, I’m still searching. Never mind my age, there are times I wish I could have a real home and all.

“For divorced mothers, people look at you with reproach, they think you are after good life and money or too wayward to be committed. Men flirt with you, lust after you, offer you money in exchange for pleasure.

“At work, you are sexually harassed, at church, you are condemned, in the society at large, you are discriminated. “Of course, your children are to be considered too. Most times, they can’t fit into their father’s new home, so, it is left for the mother to make them happy and that means she has to go for a man who will have their interest at heart. To be frank, how many of such men do we have in our midst? The truth is, the typical African man finds it difficult accepting another man’s child. It is our belief that come-what-may, a child will long to identify with his biological father. So, why take care of another man’s child, when he can’t have an affinity with his biological father?”

On the possibility of a divorced mother getting hooked again, she says, “It is possible but as you know, nothing good come that easy. I have seen cases of divorced mothers who got married to single unattached men and have been living happily ever after.

“You call it luck, I call it divine providence. However, the number of single-mothers who have terrible tales to tell are likely to overshadow them.”

Ms Odubela is right. We can’t ignore the fact that there are women who had it good as far as marriage is concerned, regardless of the single-motherhood status and what they thought of them. However, only those women can tell what they endured before they found happiness.

Sometimes, we can’t change some societal perceptions. What single mothers ought to know

•You need to know that being a single mother does not make you a second class citizen or a social misfit. You are human too.

•If you feel inferior because of your status, your child may feel worse. No child likes to be tagged “fatherless” or “bastard”. Marriage should give him a family feel and make him inferior.

•You deserve to be happy, likewise your child/children and you alone can make that happen.

•Any man who sees your child as a baggage does not deserve your love, likewise any man who wants to marry you out of pity. Let it be, “love me, love my kid(s).

•It may take long but the right man always come along.