Ways to win her heart

By Adenike Bankole-Ojo- updated: Thursday 05-02-2009

IT is the wish of every young man to get married, settle down, raise a family and live happily ever after, but most of these dreams are threatened after marriage because of their inability to set a goal for their marriage. A young married man once said that he thought marriage would be a bed of roses; that it was going to be a dream come true, that it was going to be the easiest thing in the world, at least he courted his wife for five years, so he didn’t see the why he won’t be able to cope but he was wrong because he started to lose focus.

He thought about when he started dating his wife. Then, it was the easiest thing in the world to focus on her happiness, because she made every of his dream come true and he had thought of no other thing than to live to please her.

This is the desire of most couples, but it becomes harder for them to focus on each other’s needs after they walk down the aisle and it seems the glow in the relationship begins to dim; conflicts begin to intrude on the bliss, and there starts the long wait, hoping that the glow will return, they wait and wait and when that moment comes, they’ll once again meet each other’s needs but the mistake most people make is that the glow cannot return on its own; it’s up to them to bring it back.

It is a general belief that men don’t know how to build on relationships, that is not true because if you want to improve your marriage, then you have to use your skills to do it, because once your wife knows she is the focus of your life, she’ll return your love and build a better relationship by your side. Then the embers will heat up again. You can start by winning and below are many ways that you can win in your marriage.

Make marriage your job
Surprisingly, it has been found that some men who are masters dealing with conflict at work say they just don’t know how to handle marital problems, and they tune out and give up. Why not start thinking about your marriage the same way you think of your job? It’s easier than you think. You’ll feel more adept at managing marital problems if you use your work skills: long-range planning, active listening, and considering all options before action. And, just like your job, your marriage has many rewards: from personal fulfillment, to a longer, healthier and more financially secure future, to a better sex life (yes, studies show that the average married man has more, and more satisfying, sex than his unmarried peers).

Know your wife
If something works for you, it must not necessarily work for your wife. It’s likely that your wife and you see practically everything differently. Here’s where your job skills come in handy. To understand the way to your wife’s heart, you must first learn what makes her to react to situations. To you, working late might be your way of saying you love her and you want to take care of her but to her, it might mean you don’t care about the relationship. If you learn how she views the world, and learn to see things through her eyes, you’ll understand what actions you must take to affect her in a positive way.

Share time with her
Most marriages that dissolve begin to unravel in the very first year. Do not underestimate the importance of spending time at home with your wife. Time together is proof that you care. You may have thought the wedding ring was enough evidence of your commitment, but for her, the vows are only a start; she wants you to prove your love for her every day. To do this, you must give up your bachelor identity.

Expect conflict and learn to deal with it
Most people assume that if there is conflict in a marriage, there must be something wrong. The reality is, conflict is part of marriage. If men always agreed with their spouses on everything, imagine how boring life would be. Disagreements happen even in the best of marriages. There are good ways to fight and bad ways to fight. Those who maintain relationships learn to go into the argument slowly; they avoid accusations such as: “How dare you say that?” and instead share their own experience: “I was really upset when you made that comment.” Don’t panic when you clash. It’s OK to disagree. But avoid contempt, criticism, defensiveness and emotional withdrawal. If you fight fair, you will find that conflict can help you learn about your wife and make you a better husband. When the heat builds up, there is no need for resentments, instead you can create loving humour and kind words to help heal the rift.

Learn to listen
Men and women differ dramatically in verbal communication skills. The average woman uses the spoken word three times more frequently than the male specie. For many women, verbalising a feeling is more than communicating a thought; it’s a way to establish closeness.

Men should learn the basics. When she wants to talk, sit quietly without distractions and turn the TV off. And, while you’re at it, put down the newspaper. Now, when she talks, take a few moments and reflect back on what she’s said. Grunt occasionally, to let her know you heard. I realise you know exactly what she’s saying within the first five seconds, but it doesn’t matter. Let your wife talk, and let her know you are listening. Before offering suggestions to problems, ask her whether she wants advice or whether she just wants you to listen. You’d be surprised how appreciative she will be that you are just a good ear.

Aim to please
It is funny that most people treat strangers better than their loved ones. You know that if you treat someone well, they will think more highly of you and treat you better in return.You can as well apply that principle to your wife. Open the door for her when she gets out of the car, buy her a card and celebrate her birthday with her.

Aiming to please may frustrate you, and may leave you wondering, when you will get your own needs taken care of. It is easy to understand the frustration here. But the truth is that if your wife doesn’t feel like you are fully committed to meeting her needs, she won’t be there to meet yours.