Can my mother ever forgive me?
updated: Thursday 05-02-2009
Dear Reader,
Today's writer went against her mother's wish, but having realised her mistake, does not know how to appease her. Her mother, as a single parent, toiled all day and night to train her and her siblings but this writer, the first daughter, made the mistake of her life when she got married without her mother's consent. She got into a fix when the husband's first wife got to know about her husband's affair and hell was let loose. Now, this writer can no longer enjoy her matrimonial home. She needs your advise.
Thanks, Monica Taiwo
Dear Taiwo,
I want to appreciate you for the great work the almighty God is using you to do in people’s lives. Believe me, I used to think most of the things we read in the Heartcopy column were fictitious, especially the Most Wanted, until I came face-to-face with a couple who testified to having met themselves through your column.
Secondly, as I went through the last story written by a guy based in Abuja, I saw myself to some extent in his story and I concluded that maybe God wants to use this medium to find a solution to my own problem too.
Just like the lady this guy took to London after he impregnated her and her mother refused to give her blessings, let me say that it pays to listen to one's mother, especially a mother who toiled day and night to raise her children and make sure they become somebody in life.
My mother too raised my siblings and I alone . We were five in number, but recently, our only brother and the last born of the family died. As I write to you, my relationship with my mother is almost non-existent, it is very painful but I caused it. Now that I want reconciliation and would do anything to be close to her, she won't listen to me. I don’t know if there is anyone who can reach out to her on my behalf, or can you, Taiwo? I am my mother's first child, and I never knew my father when we were growing up. Mum was a nurse but she later became a matron. She worked at one of the teaching hospitals and she raised us alone. Despite this, we never lacked anything when we were growing up. In fact, we were better than some kids who stayed with both parents.
My mum would always tell us during our childhood days that the only thing we could do to make her happy was for us to face our studies and make it in life and she made us to know why our father left us. Daddy left mum for another woman, living us with her without looking back. Daddy confirmed her story when I eventually met with him, although he said he was sorry, but I guess it was too late.
Let me tell you that all the while mummy was taking care of us, she never concealed daddy's address or identity from us. That was why I knew where to find him when I needed him.
My problem with mum started when I met Siji in my third year at the university. He just came into the country from the United States. He came to my hostel room in company with my roommate's boyfriend and it was love at first sight, at least, that was what I thought it was then.
Siji and I took to each as if we had known each other for a long time and, in no time, we began to date. I was a virgin when I met Siji (that’s what we all called him), and I told him of my intentions to remain so until my wedding night. At first, he thought it was strange. He later saw reasons with me when he realised that I wasn’t going to change my mind.
When I took him home to introduce him to my mother, they did not get along. It was funny because ordinarily, both of them were very nice and friendly people. After Siji left, my mum told me bluntly that she didn’t like him. One, she said he looked too smooth to be genuine and two, she was concerned about our age difference. Siji was about 11 years older than I was. She said she didn’t believe his story of not having a wife and kids somewhere. To cut the story short, mum warned me to steer clear of him, but I was too much in love with Siji to listen to her.
Siji travelled back to the US and we kept in touch. In fact, he paid regular visits to Nigeria because of me. He came back to the country three times before I wrote my final exams and it was during one of those trips that he proposed to me. When I told mum, I thought she would be happy for me but I was very disappointed when she said I should not accept his proposal. Meanwhile, I had done so. I told her that much but she said at that stage, it was easy to call off the relationship. I disagreed with her and that was the beginning of our crisis.
I have to let you know that Siji took me to meet his family shortly after he proposed to me and they accepted me. The day he took me to meet his parents, I thought I saw hesitation in his mother’s eyes, but she was quick to change her attitude.
I wrote my final exams, Siji deflowered me the night I finished my papers because we both consented to it and it was supposed to be the big seal on my exams and my gift to him. My results came and I made second class upper. Siji bought me a car as a gift. My mother asked me to return it but I didn’t. We began to quarrel and I felt she hated me.
So you can imagine how I felt when I discovered weeks after I lost my virginity that I was pregnant. I could not tell my mother. I phoned Siji as he had already gone back to US. He came back to the country immediately and asked to marry me. My mum refused and no matter the plea or who pleaded on my behalf , she refused to accept Siji. On my part, I spoke with her siblings and friends but she wouldn’t change her mind. When asked if she wanted me to have an abortion, she said no. She said she would agree I give birth to the baby, nurse it but not marry Siji. She said she would not accept any bride price or attend my traditional wedding. In essence, she was not giving her blessings. When this came up, I went to look for my dad. I explained everything to him; he agreed to see Siji and even approved of him.
Eventually, we had our wedding. Although my mum was part of it, she was a passive participant.
After our wedding, Siji arranged my traveling. When I got to the US, I discovered some hard truths. I learnt that he was married to a Nigerian like me with three kids. Although he had a good business and was making good money, we couldn't live together. In fact, I learnt that it was his wife’s family who “made” him. He had to settle me in another town entirely. He told me all these things by himself. He said he loved me and would not want to lose me, that was why he did not tell me all these in Nigeria. I remembered the look on his mum’s face the first day I met her and I felt sad, confined and alone.
I couldn’t speak with my mum or anyone. I felt so lonely and alone in the US.Needless to say that Siji uprooted me and made me vulnerable. When all my mates were going for youth service, I was in the US nursing my pregnancy alone. A few of them who spoke with me said they envied me, but how could I explain to them what I was going through. I couldn’t even tell my siblings. Although Siji tried to take care of me, it wasn’t like what I expected.
Initially, he came visiting and would spend time with me. After I had my baby, Clement, his visits became reduced and when I raised this issue, he said he had to take things easy because of his wife.
This situation went on for a long time, even after I gave birth to my second child, Sandra. During this time, Siji came to Nigeria about two times. He saw my mother and siblings but he did not tell them the situation in which I was living. He made them believe things were okay. He arranged for all my siblings to visit me twice, he invited mum too but she refused. When they came to the U.S., my storyline was that Siji travelled out of the states.
One day, he rushed in and asked me to move from the house to a hotel far from where the kids and I were living. When I asked why, he said he wanted to give us a treat, but I guessed there was trouble. Will you believe that from that hotel, my kids and I came to Nigeria? Siji's wife found out about us, and she threatened to destroy him and all he had made.
As he explained to me, he said she asked him to move us from the US. back to Nigeria, which he did. We had stayed two weeks at his parents' home before I had the guts to go and see my mother. I broke down and told her all I had been through. Trust my mum, she didn’t say yes or no, or I-told-you-so or anything. She was only concerned about my children’s well- being.
Siji sent money; he gave me a huge amount of money to settle down. He asked me to buy a house in a choice area and put my kids in the best school. I also have a thriving business. We have travelled out of the country many times on holidays, but only to Britain. We have also been to Germany, but I tell you that I have not seen Siji now for over seven years. His wife would not allow him travel out of the US. More so, every kobo he sends to us is never in his name, he sends money through one of his trusted friends. At a time, his wife called to threaten me but later she stopped.
I have realised my mistake but I don’t know what I can do to make my mother forgive me totally. I know what our relationship was like before Siji came into my life. please, what can I do?
Kike, Ibadan.
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