Is everything he does stupid?

Updated: Friday 06-02-2009

RECENTLY, I asked a group of women to describe their “significant others” most annoying characteristics. The responses were startling, not for their content but for the loathing I observed in these usually pleasant, well-adjusted people. If you want to see the red gleam of murder in someone’s eyes, if you want chilling insight into the thinness and fragility of the civilised veneer that glosses over humanity’s primal drives, don’t read Greek tragedy or visit death row. Just listen to a few folks talk about the way their spouses fake a Cockney accent, reuse unwashed underwear, or repeat every joke three times:

“He’s a wonderful guy, but after a meal he spends 20 minutes sucking food particles from between his teeth. He makes this whistling sound-ugh, I can’t even think about it. I long to tell him those three little words: ‘Use dental floss.’”

“My husband uses the phrase ‘but yet’ in every other sentence, and it drives me absolutely nuts. Say ‘but’ or say ‘yet’, not both. It’s like saying ‘also too’ or ‘however although.’ Where did he learn to talk, the Department of Redundancy Department?”

“Mustard yellow. My boyfriend calls it gold, and, oh, does he love it. Everything he buys is mustard – furniture, clothes, even his car. I’m afraid one day he’ll show up in another mustard yellow shirt, and I’ll push him in front of a mustard yellow school bus.”

HATING THE ONES WE LOVE; In this season of romance, as we pledge our undying devotion to our partners, it might be wise to acknowledge the flashes of vile, indefensible hatred we occasionally feel toward them. Oh, don’t look so shocked. If you’ve been in a relationship for more than six months, you’ve had those moments. We all have. Acknowledging them while they’re still small can help us deal with them responsibly. Denying their existence allows them to grow until they overwhelm our social niceties, turning us into various manifestations of the Incredible Hulk.

Speaking of media images, consider the convict in the movie Chicago who got so sick of her husband’s gum-popping that she fired “two warning shorts... into his head.” Or the woman in HBO’s Six Feet Under who fatally clocks her salesman husband with a frying pan to stop him from droning on about his products (the morticians, to their own dismay, empathise with her completely).

FIND THE MEANING IN MADDENING MOMENTS; Tom and Jerri were furious at each other. On their way to my office, they’d stopped for a cup of coffee. Tom had also purchased a newspaper and flipped to the sports page, holding out the front section and asking Jerri, “Do you want to look at this?” At that point, Jerri burst into tears, all communication ceased, and the couple were officially at war.

“He knows it makes me crazy when he does that,” said Jerri, tears flowing again as she recounted the experience.

“What are you talking about? Tom almost yelled. “I can’t stand how you always get hysterical over nothing!”

Clearly, this had nothing to do with the newspaper. However, the coffee shop incident was an excellent “access point” for figuring out the core issues that were causing conflict. The key to this process is simply asking each person to describe in detail, the meaning he or she gives to an event. I asked Jerri and Tom to tell me what each of them thought was going on during their coffee shop encounter.

“He never gives me his full attention,” Jerri said. “He finds anything to distract him – traffic, the sports page, whatever. And then he gives me the rest of the paper, like he thinks I’m behind on current events.”

Tom’s jaw dropped. The motives Jerri had ascribed to his actions had nothing to do with his real intentions. “All I wanted to do was check the baseball scores – my dad and I used to do that. I gave Jerri the rest of the paper because my mom always read it.”

Likewise, when Jerri began to cry, Tom knew that, as he put it, “she was accusing me of being a bad husband, trying to control me.” This could not have been further from Jerry’s intent. “I needed his attention for five minutes over breakfast. If I get that, I feel close to him all day.”

Like Tom and Jerri, you’ll often find that the behaviour you don’t like is triggering insecurities, fears, or unfinished grief. The next time you feel hatred flaring up, wait until you’re no longer frothing mad, then calmly check whether the meaning you attach to events is the same as your partner’s intention, listen to the response, and then suggest alternatives that might meet both your needs. This technique can turn a maddening mutual understanding and a significantly happier relationship.

TAKE CARE OF YOUR SHARE
Sometimes you’ll search in vain for any deeper significance. Sometimes he’s incredibly annoying, full stop. In that case, the easiest course of action is not to change him (though, as we shall see, this may be possible) but to figure out what you might do to reduce your own irritation. One of the following strategies may help.

•Protect yourself from “social exhaustion. “Being around people is wonderful, but it also creates a unique kind of fatigue that can be alleviated only by privacy. Being intensely annoyed by a partner’s quirks is often a sign that you’ve spent too much time together.

•Ask yourself if your partner is doing something you’d love to do, except that it’s against your rules. Often, people feel severely judgmental toward those who are doing the things they’ve denied themselves.

•Stay in your own business. Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is, divides all business into three categories: mine, yours, and God’s. Some people escape the content of their own lives by obsessing about the two other categories. Whenever you become intensely focused on changing someone else’s behaviour you might want to check what part of your own business you’re avoiding.

TRAIN HIS BRAIN
If the methods outlined above don’t work for you, it may be time for some good old behaviourist training. This is a simple procedure, grounded in the fact that animals (including humans) will repeat behaviours that are positively rewarded and decrease those that aren’t. I love behaviourist training because, in contract to the noble approaches we’ve already discussed, it doesn’t require all those tedious virtues (open communication, self-examination, authenticity). It’s just plain bribery, though invisible and, of course, well intentioned.

Begin by identifying small, easy-to-give treats your mate really loves: praise, chocolate, backrubs, shiny objects...list as many as you can. (I must admit, I myself have achieved thrilling results using only praise and chocolate). Hand out these rewards whenever your mate does something you like, especially something that replaces the behaviour you most hate. Don’t tell him what you’re doing and don’t react to the annoying behaviour at all (carrots are much more effective than sticks). At first, reward behaviour that goes anywhere near what you’d like to see. Then, as the positive behaviour increases, offer the reward for more specific actions.

culled from The Oprah Magazine