How do I ask my husband about his other woman?

updated: Thursday 28-05-2009

Dear readers,
Our writer today needs help to make a crucial decision that would sustain her marriage. Her marriage had been at stake because of her husband's affair with his secretary. She discovered some bitter truth which she itches to ask her husband. She is in a dilemma, please read and advise her.
Thanks, Monica Taiwo.

Dear Taiwo,
MY sister, please, help me, what can I do? I don’t want people and our family members to see me as a troublesome woman and I don’t want to lose the respect people have for me.

Charles, my husband of over 16 years, took some steps recently, which I found out, although he did not know that I found out what he did. I still sleep in the same house with him but some of my friends and church members said I should not say anything about it to him. But I can’t keep it to myself any longer. I need your counsel because, once, I tried to raise this issue with him but it resulted in a serious quarrel that led to my being sent out of my matrimonial home for over two weeks which attracted the intervention of our pastor and some church members.

Charles and I met each other during our youth service; he is from Ondo while I come from Umuahia. We took to each other first as friends, and then later we started dating. We did our youth service in Lagos, and because of my course of study, I was able to secure a job before he did. I got a job with one of the local airlines and because of this entry point, I was able to move on to an international airline. I was the one who got the first house we lived in. When Charles could not get a job, I raised some money for him to start some business. I also used some of the connections I was able to make to help him start a business which blossomed into an empire.

I give God all the credit, I am not taking any. I am being sincere here, because I believe and trust God.

When it was time for me to take Charles home, my parents were against him. They wanted me to marry from my place. My father, in particular, said he did not trust Yorubas. I tried to make my parents get to know Charles' and not his tribe. Initially, this did not work, but later I was able to convince my father since I was his favourite anyway, as the only daughter, he loved me to a fault. He agreed, but getting close to Charles' parents too was not an easy thing. His mother refused bluntly to have anything to do with me, just because I wasn’t from her town. She said she wouldn’t want a daughter-in-law whom she could not relate with. I tried all my best to make her feel at home with me but all my efforts proved abortive.

Our relationship remained like this until she died eight years ago. Fortunately, I found favour with Charles' elder sisters; they asked me to be patient with mama, as they understood her misgivings, Charles was her only son who came long after she had given up on having more kids.

Despite mama's attitude to me, I honestly loved her like my own mother. My parents too had nothing against her; they wanted me to be happy, so they were also willing to go the extra mile for me to be happy.

I decided to give a little background to my life and that of Charles so that you will understand the why I don’t want his people to feel I am making trouble.

When the issue of Tinuke, Charles' secretary, whom he was dating first came up and I confronted him. It became such an issue and every one blamed me that I overreacted.

It all started with late night text messages and calls. When I couldn’t stand it any longer, I had to ask him who it was calling every night regardless of the fact that he had a wife at home. When Charles saw that I was asking too many questions, he would get up from the bed and go to either the living room or the toilet to pick his calls.

I got so irritated one day that I took over his phone by force, checked the number and called the lady. She was so rude on phone, she was the one who told me that she knows me very well while introducing herself to me as my husband’s secretary, because my husband did not store her real name on the phone. I told her I would come to meet her in the office the following day. Do you know that this girl had the audacity to dare me to come.

My husband listened to our conversation, he did not deem it fit to caution her on phone, instead, he told me that I allowed her to be rude to me; he also dared me to come to his office the following day.

I did not go to his office the following day as earlier threathened. Instead, I asked one of my husband’s cousins who works in his office and who was close to Tinuke to give me the description to her house. Innocently, he did and I gave her a surprise visit the following Saturday. Unfortunately for my husband I met him at her place. Charles had already told me he was travelling to Ondo to attend to some family matters. This actually annoyed me coupled with the fact that he could not caution Tinuke when she insulted me. I got so annoyed that I beat her mercilessly which eventually led to her being admitted in a hospital. I later learnt that she lost a four-month-old pregnancy. Consequently, Charles picked up a quarrel with me, calling me a witch which necessitated the intervention of some of his family members.

Some of his uncles supported him but his sisters were solidly behind me. After this incident, Charles' sisters instructed him to stop his affairs with Tinuke, after all what was he looking for, we already had four kids, two girls and two boys.

After a lot of talks and the intervention of our pastor and some church members, he agreed that I returned to the house and that he would stop his affair with Tinuke. He even apologized and promised such would not happen again. Because he said so, I believed him and all was well again in our family. In fact, to make up for what happened, he took all of us abroad on holidays and even bought a house for me.

I thought my husband was sincere and he would let Tinuke go, but I was mistaken. Since that incident and even before then, I was not into the habit of picking his calls or reading his text messages, but he fell sick and he was on hospital admission. I had to take his phone home. On my way home, someone kept calling him, I was driving and I did not pick the phone. As I got home, I met my daughter who came home from school, I asked her to switch off the phone, but this call came in again, she picked the phone and the caller was Tinuke’s mother, she wanted to inform my husband whom she addressed as Baba Bukunmi, that Tinuke just delivered a set of twins. My daughter was shocked and she demanded to know who exactly the caller wanted to speak with, the old woman confirmed that it was Charles. My daughter then informed me; I asked her to keep the information to herself since they were all aware of what Tinuke's issue had caused in our family.

I pleaded with her to keep this information to herself until I was able to find a way of dealing with it.

Taiwo, it has been weeks now, Charles is back from the hospital, he is hale and hearty. He never made mention if Tinuke's mum told him whom she spoke with. I have pretended I didn’t know anything for too long, I want to ask him, but I don’t know how best to do so.

I am very temperamental; I don’t want trouble in my home again. I am afraid if I ask him again, he would turn it into another issue. I am not the type of woman who would like people to meddle in her affairs all the time. Please, advise me on what to do, thanks.

N K, Lagos

Re:Help, Our househelp has taken over our home

YOU should have done better and be justified if you had never thought of putting up in an hotel, not only that, you stayed there for five days. All in the name of trying to stand not to live under the same roof with your house help.

It is very likely for your husband not to succumb so easily because he might insist on knowing why you had decided to go to an hotel and not his relatives.

Most men like to be adored by their wives, the scripture supports this (I Peter 3;6, I Cor. &:4 & Eph 5:22–24) There are few men who really don’t care about this. May I ask you a question? Are you sure you are not the stubborn and nagging type? If yes, you need to effect a change.

You said you have some apprentices who work for you and come to your house for assistance. This could be dangerous. It could be tempting as your husband can develop interest in any of them without your knowledge.

Concerning your housemaid, go to your father-in-law or an elderly man in his family. Any of them would be saddled with resolving the problem amicably.After the settlement, you have to talk to him, apologise and tell him to take you as you are. You can wake up in the middle of the night and tell him you are sorry for all that happened in the past. Remind him of your state as an orphan, tell him he is the only father you have. Let him promise to make you happy always and never hurt your feelings again. If all these are done, he will have a rethink and definitely you will have your home back.

Abiodun Joseph Adewale
08055226820.

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