What do you do when he cheats?

By Dolapo Ekanade - updated: Friday 29-05-2009

It is painful but true for most women who are enjoying the euphoria out of their fresh marital life that their men cheat at one point or the other as they engage in extra-marital affiars. Women do too, but in Africa, experience mostly points the men out as the culprit. For those who are still enjoying a smooth steady relationship where their partners are faithful and devoted, it remains to be seen if such vows would last through the decades.

The reasons remain a mystery while men would cheat even if they have models of beauty or paragons of virtue as the matriarchs of their homes. Some reasons may be complicated but it all boils down to the fact that men are polygamous by nature.

While the reasons vary with most men pointing out that women are guilty of driving them into the hands of another, the question remains what a woman would do in the event that she suspects or discovers that her man is cheating.

Often times, it’s a slap on the face, because women often have an unconscious proprietary feeling that their man is one special person that is theirs all the time. Women find it difficult to accept the fact that a man who had been fawning over them would suddenly shift his attention to another woman.

But what should a woman do when he discovers that her man is cheating? Some answers readily come to the mind but they are such that are borne out of a spontaneous and emotional reaction due to hurt and disappointment and not decisions calculated out of a rational mind.

When a woman catches her husband in a compromising pose or where he cannot deny his infidelity, the natural instinct is for her to fight to protect her territory. She may also resort to threatening or intimidating the man. Others resort to nagging, making the home unbearable, revenge and sex denial, refusal to cook or even speak with their spouses.

These are natural reactions but they often fail to achieve desired results and also help a man to calculate his next move. The man naturally caught in his act attempts to talk his way out , if it’s mere suspicion, he argues then turns it into an argument and pricks the woman’s conscience. If there is evidence, he attacks the woman and calls her hot-tempered, he even resolves or threatens to and may in fact leave the home. These emotional reactions drive the man who already wants some freedom sometimes out of the home.

Such eye for an eye or Mosaic reaction may turn the table against the woman. Yet it behooves a woman to keep her calm, maintain her happiness, her home and ride out the storm when the man decides to break the oath.

The African family nature is patriarchal and so a woman is often repressed and is expected to be submissive and accept whatever experience she goes through in marriage. Often times, when a woman cheats, it is a stigma of a lifetime and even when the husband accepts to reconcile, a lifetime of trust is completely eroded. In the event that the woman decides to engage in an extra-marital affair and opt for revenge sex, she dare not be caught. Her excuse remains implausible and her defence weak, in fact, her parents would most likely turn against her and label her a foolish woman.

The most effective weapon in the arsenal of any woman is to do nothing to directly challenge the man. A woman could easily wear the psyche of her man out emotionally through silence than she can with open confrontation.
Women share with Strictly Femail how they rode or are currently riding the storm. Most women, to protect their marriages, wanted their names left out or otherwise pseudo-names are provided.

Bioye, a 35-year-old accountant and mother of three children discovered her husband was cheating after seven years of marriage. She said “It first started as a rumour but then the reality just caught me unawares. I married quite young, at 21 years, so I have come to equate him as my knight in shining armour. It was terrible. But nowadays, I have learnt to handle the situation maturely. That first night I caught him necking with a younger girl when I stopped to buy something at an eatery, I almost fainted. I threw a scene. It was horrible. I was pregnant then which didn’t help because I felt self-pity because I thought I was unattractive and that’s why he opted for a fling. Of course, I cried my eyes out and nagged his brains out and he started avoiding home. Things only started getting better after the birth of my third child.”

Chi chi’s story is pathetic. She smelled infidelity, one fateful day as she sorted her husband’s dirty laundry for the drycleaner. In his pockets was a used condom foil packet. It was during her second year of marriage.

“My husband was only few years older than I so could it be that his midlife crisis was setting in? It was just two years of marriage, I was newly pregnant and expected the man to be excited but he opted to have a fling. I was newly married, so what would you expect? I screamed and threw caution to the winds. It turned to a full-fledged shouting match. It was horrible. Our marriage is now five years but nowadays I try to voice my suspicion. Two people cannot get angry at the same time; I have become mature over the years in handling the situation.”

Kanyin is a 38-year-old, insurance marketer; who married late and after four years, caught her husband in his office having sex with his female secretary.
“I guess studying the psyche of men really helped me. When it happened, I just kept my calm, I never mentioned it, neither did I confront him when he got home. I just turned and drove home. I was shocked but calm. After two days of walking on eggs around me, he broke down and asked that we discussed to which I initially declined. I now concentrated on myself and the kids; I discovered the secretary was my alter ego, like the opposite side of me. She was my exact opposite. I am tall and slim with moderate curves. She was short, round, full and busty. I realized my husband was fulfilling a fantasy. Soon, his emotional psyche broke down, he had to send a close and respected friend to appeal to me.”

Maxine, a 30-year-old woman suspended childbearing for just a year on mutual agreement with her husband for the purpose of bonding and to boost their finances. “Within that year, I caught my husband cheating. I initially intended to have a fling within his knowledge but people prevailed. My mum advised me that that was not the best approach to such marital issues,” she said.

However, women over time have discovered that men in their minds create a fantasy and reality, the wife or steady girlfriend with her flaws and all is a reality to the man, while his lover remains a fantasy that he thinks he cannot attain with his woman.

Women like Ada have learnt to cope with this phenomenon. A 40-year-old lawyer and mother of two teenagers, she shared her experience and how she rode the storm.

“The longest affair my husband had was dating a college undergraduate for almost four years. It was like he sponsored her through school. First, I didn’t know anything ,then I became suspicious of his nocturnal appointments. He decided to leave the house anytime around 9.30pm. Often times, he did not return until the next morning. Later, my friends gave subtle hint as to his movements until I caught him on three different occasions with a young girl that could not be more than 23. Of course, I was devastated but talked to my mum who is my role model. The experience was revealing because I realised that women are actually stronger than we think. I decided to ignore him even though the pain was raging in me after he had vehemently denied it when I asked. Starting from that year, I developed myself mentally, emotionally and professionally. I shared my fears with experienced females like my mum and mature friends. That helped. I changed my wardrobe, enhanced my beauty treatment, joined a readers’ club and mentored my kids. The struggle was long and challenging. He came to his senses when I told him years later that I was travelling to Bahamas with my kids for summer. I didn’t receive a kobo from him. He realised I had moved ahead. Till today, he is still struggling to catch up. I am still his wife and I care for him but I believe more in myself and believe I am the stabilizing force in our marriage.”

Corroborating her view, Yvonne, a 45-year-old, company secretary and legal adviser offers further insight. “Most men would cheat at one time or the other during marriage, but the problem with women is finding their feet and moving on with life. Many women revolve their whole life around their men and they get so broken-hearted when they discover he is cheating. The remedy is not to revenge such because it’s bad for the psyche of the woman. The solution is also not to confront the woman outside because it shows insecurity on your part and gives her a much more staying power. But if a man is irresponsible and a serial cheat; the woman may opt for a separation when such affects the children. I don’t usually recommend divorce. Most of the time, women have the innate strength to endure. But don’t endure painfully, raging, ranting, nagging fighting and getting keyed up cannot solve the problem. It is not even good for one’s physical health and emotional stability. The moment a man finds out that something occupies your mind aside him, it challenges his ego. Spend time in getting to know and loving yourself, if you have kids bond with them but don’t use them as your weapon. Have fun, treat yourself specially, change your wardrobe, indulge yourself, hook up with responsible and mature friends or mentors if you have any, read books, develop and improve yourself. You would come out better for it. And please don’t wait to do these until your husband cheats,” she concluded.

Still worried, he might be cheating? Do get a life!