‘I Shared Clothes And Trinkets With My Mother-In-Law’

Dr. (Mrs) Ebun Delano Dr. (Mrs) Ebun Delano, the Vice President/Executive Director of Association for Reproductive and Family Health (ARFH), recipient of many awards, including the Sasakawa Award of the World Health Organisation (WHO), who has also authored several books, speaks with Toluwani Olamitoke on how she spices up her over 47 years relationship and runs a successful home.

Dr. (Mrs.) Ebun Delano, no doubt has become an institution on matters related to reproductive health, family planning and population studies. And this as a result of the vision embraced by her establishment, the Association for Reproductive and Family Health (ARFH), a non-governmental organization, to enhance sexual reproductive health rights of individuals and couples in Africa. The dictates of her job has also earned her innumerable commendations both locally and internationally and as an outstanding visionary.

Her creativity, dynamism and innovative community work has also marked her out as a pride to womanhood. The recipient of the prestigious Sasakawa Award by the World Health Organisation (WHO) in a one-on-one discussion with Women Affairs opened up on her family life. “I have been happily married for over 47 years to my childhood friend, Hon. Justice Isaac Babatunde Delano, a retired Chief Judge of Ogun state,” she disclosed.

“He’s a loving, caring, family man who is a full supporter of women’s rights and progress. He’s a very honest and hard- working person, who is always there for me.”It is true that different things do attract partners to each other. To some it is the physical appearance, - the gait, facial attraction, while to others ,it could be the social class, intellect, style of dressing and the like. But in the female author’s case, she stressed , “I got attracted to my husband because of his humility, simplicity, gentleness and consideration for others. He’s understanding and never likes taking one for granted. And this I admire in him.”

Do you believe in love at first sight?Women Affairs asked Dr. Delano. And to this she responded, “no.”She gave her reasons.“I don’t believe in love at first sight. A sensible woman will take her time to study her future partner.” She stressed, “Not all that glitters is gold. Marriage is a relationship between a man and a woman for life. It’s a life time contract. Love grows with time, so that it can endure the challenges that are incidental to marriage. It is wise to look before leaping. Long courtship enables individuals learn the dos and don’ts and understand each other before marriage.” There are diverse ways by which couples meet, date and later go into wedlock. Some partners often disclose they met at a party, in the school library or fellowship . To others it could be through friends or parents. the executive director gave an indepth information on how she met her spouse.

“I met him in Lagos for the first time in 1953 when he was sent by my late cousin, Mr. Henry George, to deliver a message from the late Reverend Ransome Kuti that I should attend an interview for admission into Abeokuta Grammar School. He took special interest in encouraging me to attend this interview. When I eventually got admitted into the school, he continued to play the role of a brother, coach and protector.” she explained , “The relationship was more platonic in nature and went on for eight years. The marriage proposal came naturally. He got qualified as a lawyer in 1960 and I, as a registered nurse/midwife and Queen’s nurse before we got married on April 3, 1961 in London.”

Describing the experience in her early days in marriage, Dr. Delano emphasized: “my early days in marriage was beautiful solely because our relationship was built on love, understanding and respect for each other. We shared what we had with each other and was even running a joint account. We never allowed deceit to have its way in our marriage . And more importantly, we ensured that no misunderstanding lasted till the following day. we also never held back compliments.” the root of the major problems in many homes these days is in compatibility.Most people enter into love relationships and go on to start a family without knowing their dates, partners and spouses well enough and without caring for compatibility. Therefore many of these relationships don’t last long. After having a few children, these marriages collapse and the custody battle ensue.

How important is the issue of compatibility in a relationship? Women Affairs asked the Doctor of Philosophy. “Compatibility is very essential in marriage so that things do not fall apart. However, since both partners are from different backgrounds, for any virtuous woman, she should learn to adjust and ensure that the marriage works.” According to Rev. (Dr.) Mike Edewor, a pathologist and Lagos-based marriage counsellor, “there is a question worth asking but which spouses don’t really want to ask , especially men.” He stressed, “A partner’s perception into one’s life tend to be more realistic, he or she sees things you can’t see.” He stressed,“What can I do better?” is not a question for the faint heart, but it’s a question worth asking. We can’t improve our behaviour unless we know what we are doing wrong, and for that, we need someone who will point out our missteps.”

“If your husband asked you ‘What can I do to be a better husband ?’ what would you tell him,” Women Affairs asked Dr. Delano. “Keep loving me, be caring and forgiving till death do us part”, she simply replied. The award recipient while describing how her spouse displays affection in their marriage disclosed, “My husband admires me the way I dress, talk and walk. He never travels without bringing home my favourite perfume. He ensures we go on holidays together and has a habit of stroking my head occasionally. Our day is never complete without kisses and at times he remarks, ‘Ebun, Ebun, you look beautiful’. We have both become the envy of other couples.” The lady nurse also explained the steps she takes in spicing up her relationship.

She stressed, “I look after my husband’s outfits, even at my age and appreciate his look. It has become a natural thing to me to pass complimentary comments especially when he uses perfume, just had a shave or wears a new outfit. I buy things he appreciates, especially sport shirts and don’t make the mistake of forgetting his birthday or handle the day as usual. In fact, I make him feel more cherished on that day by waking him up with a kiss and hug. And whenever he buys anything, even if he has paid more than he ought to or I do not like the item, I praise him and continuously acknowledge and refer to it. If it is something I can put on, I wear it immediately.” Shifting to the role of a mother, the ARFN vice president disclosed “God has blessed our marriage with four children, three females and a male.The first female is an economist, statistician and fellow of Chartered Institute of Taxation of Nigeria. The second is an educationist, a professor in multi-cultural education while the third is a microbiologist. The male is a lawyer cum IT expert. I am also a grandmother,” she emphasised.

While describing her relationship with her children, the grandmother emphasized, “my relationship with my children is very beautiful and cordial. The girls are like my sisters and the boy like my brother. Even the sons and daughters-in-laws are all like my blood children.I do not relate to them like a mother-in-law, and they reciprocate this.” Dr. Delano highlighted some necessary rules for a successful marriage. She declared, “for your marriage to work, you must have a plan, a central idea and let neither the husband nor wife strive to be the dominating person in the household.You should expect to disagree - two people may hold entirely different views on many subjects and yet respect and care for each other.” She went on, “Honesty is essential, while loyalty is a must. Keep your differences to yourselves, the feeling many young married people have is that they can complain to their parents when things do not go right - this is bad and spurs more trouble.

“Again it is important to talk things over when hurt, while one should avoid keeping it to oneself, brooding over it. But of upmost importance is the fact that you have to keep alive the spirit of courtship, that thoughtfulness which existed before marriage.Lastly, look for traits in the other than can be admired and praised.” The author also expressed her view on the issue of in-laws. “The issue of in-laws in our society is something one must handle very cautiously. I see my in-laws as my family members. People tend to see in-laws as oppositions which ought not to be. I employ the power of tolerance, humility and love. I made them my friends. As for my mother-in-law, we were best of friends. We shared our clothes and trinkets,shopped,cooked and discussed together. The relationship was terrific, hence everyone had no choice than to accept me. I could hardly do anything wrong with my mother in-law.

“I hold my in-laws in high esteem and I don’t try to come between my husband and his family or friends.And this attitude, I also encourage my children to imbibe in their homes.”
The number of break ups in relationships is on the increase due to selfishness on the account of one or both parties. “How can this be handled?” Women Affairs asked. “Life itself is a matter of give and take,” she answered. You don’t expect someone with a completely different background, brought up under different roof to behave in the same way as you do. Even your blood relations are different from you.Therefore, people need to be educated more on the need to be more tolerant and be ready to shift ground. Partners should learn to swallow their pride and accept responsibilities for actions whether good or bad.

“In fact if you claim to love somebody,you should be able to tolerate some things, even if it hurts. Marriage is a partnership which requires team work, mutual respect, oneness and intimacy.Your love for your husband or wife should encourage you to act towards him or her selflessly.Let your marriage and home be full of laughter and joy.Again you need to go the extra mile as a wife, friend and a child of God and pray together.”